


If a Moment is All We Are

by MindtheGap



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Child Death, Flashbacks, I'm truly sorry for what I put them thru, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kidfic, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Reincarnation, So much angst, Suicide, Suicide mention, The Hero's Journey, What Dreams May Come AU, hockey because they will always have hockey, they have to die for the plot to work so have patience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-04 22:12:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14029914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MindtheGap/pseuds/MindtheGap
Summary: Life is built from a series of moments. Many happy, many sad, many non-descript, but they all form a life. How much is a life worth keeping together even after you've died? Is the person you love worth going into Hell to save? Would you give up everything for love? Could death stop you from loving them?What Dreams May Come AU





	If a Moment is All We Are

_When I was young, I met a boy who played beautiful hockey. I thought it was just his hockey I loved, but I was wrong. And I’ve never been more happy to be._  
Act I  
“Fuck, G," Sid yelped as he buried his face in the pillow while trying to pull his ass away from groping hands." G, I’m serious." He tried aimlessly to shoo away the hands that were kneading into his left cheek in an attempt to distract Sid from the rumbling laughter he could feel against his hip. "I swear to g-" a high yelp finished off his sentence.  
Quickly, Sid pulled himself away and rolled into a seated position to better direct his glare at the innocent expression on his boyfriend’s face." Damnit, G, I’m sore enough that skate is going to be interesting tomorrow. I don’t need the guys to be asking why I have teeth marks on my ass." Geno’s lower lip plumped as his hangdog eyes dimmed with false remorse. He slid himself back to the top of the bed and looked innocently at Sid.  
“‘M most sorry, Zolotse." Geno replied while lifting his arm up allowing Sid to curl into his side. Sid sighed as Geno nuzzled the top of his head and blew Russian sweet talk into his curls. While Sid was notorious for having a horrible accent, he was actively trying to learn Russian. Language learning couldn’t be a one way street. They were a team both on and off the ice. However, Sid was slowly putting together that everything Geno had once told him was sweet talk was more praise and fantasies about his ass and thighs.  
Using the quiet moment to surprise the other boy, Sid straddled Geno’s lap, pinning his arms to his side, grinning as Geno’s gaze struggled to focus on Sid’s face and not travel down his body. Sitting a little taller, Sid smiled before pressing a sweet kiss to Geno’s nose while whispering “liar" in poorly accented Russian and throwing himself across the bed. Just as Geno lunged forward to wrestle him to the sheets and dig his fingers into the soft flesh of Sid’s underarms.  
Geno’s rumbling laughter mixed oddly with the honks Sid emitted between gasps for air. They tussled on the bed, pillows falling onto the floor and knocking the lube and empty condom wrappers from the scattered areas on the bedside table and bed.  
‘I win!" Geno crowed as he straddled a flushed and grinning Sid’s chest." Most strong-Say true!" Geno demanded as his fingers ghosted above the tender skin, causing Sid to squirm while giggling into Geno’s thigh.  
‘I give! Yes, yes, you’re the strongest." Sid kept laughing as Geno lowered himself to Sid’s side. He smiled charmingly as he brushed his knuckles down Sid’s cheek before resting his hand against Sid’s heart.  
‘Zolotse," He sighed happily. Sid and he stared happily at one another. Tucked away in Geno’s new house, there was no need to be quiet so as not to further incriminate themselves to either of their hosts. Geno’s eyes were bright with happiness and Sid knows his own expression is just as happy.  
‘Zhenya." Sid stumbled over the harsh breath at the start of the name but smiled at Geno’s chuckle before placing his hand over Geno’s heart and leaning up for a gentle kiss.  
***  
I had that man’s heart from the moment he uttered his stupid" Me three years super league" and offered a new ritual. Well, I was gone on him long before this and my Zhenya would tease me about loving him for his hockey first. That was true. But it didn’t take long to love the player.  
We had let a few teammates in prior to the cup run in" 08. Gonch knew from almost the start. But that was an accident that the three of us would rather not discuss.  
This man battled hard beside me to fight for the cup his second year with the team, living in the country, and as mine to get second place. Then we battled for the cup a second time in just as many years and the smile he gave me when we won.  
I wanted to give him more.  
I needed to let him know it was all worth it and I would do anything to give him everything both on and off the ice.

“Sid, no! We skate for living. Is always cold. I want go where warm. Somewhere I get see you in tiny clothes." Geno waggled his eyebrows as he laid sprawled on the couch, his feet and hand twisted with Sid’s. Sid lifted his free hand to pull a piece of fruit from the bowl placed inside the Cup. He had heard stories and he refused to believe neither Flower nor Duper had tried anything funny in the Cup bowl at the party the other night.  
“What about my poor Canadian complexion? You never like when I’m sunburned." Sid eyed Geno as he took the banana further into his mouth then necessary. He slowly dragged his lips over the curve before taking a small bite. The scowl on Geno’s face was all Sid needed as he swung a leg over Geno’s lap to straddle him.  
“Oof" Geno wheezed and he scrambled to grab at Sid’s hips." You know I love your ass. Best ass in world. But also little bit smash because ass most big and heavy.’  
“Did you just say my ass is heavy?" Sid squawked indignantly. Geno pulled Sid’s hips back down and pressed a kiss to Sid’s nose.  
“Said best ass. Best ass have most muscle and not," he struggled for a second before mumbling a Russian word Sid doesn’t recognize and figured its best not to ask. "I think this ass my ass for a long time." Sid laughed as Geno pets both hands across Sid’s ass. The two fall into silence as they stared at one another and smiled. They just won the Cup, had accidentally come out to their some of team after being found making out over said Cup, and Sid was nursing a horrible post Cup win hangover. Kuni promised it wouldn’t be horrible for too long. Sid had his doubts for himself and he was too busy envying Geno’s praise for his Russian tolerance.  
Sid slid his hands through Geno’s curls and smiled as Geno pressed his head into the pressure and groaned happily. “Tell you what, you bring your family to Cole Harbor for my Cup days and we can have a little party maybe swap some jewelry and promises of forever. Then I’ll go with you to Russia for your Cup day before we go to whatever horribly warm and remote island you want for a honeymoon.”  
It takes a moment for Geno to translate what Sid had said. His brows scrunched as he sorted out the words he didn’t hear in everyday conversation or the chirps thrown around the room. Slowly, his eyes widened and stared questioningly at Sid. “I think I’m not hear right, Sid." Sid grins doing his best not to freeze as he slides one hand to bring Geno’s right hand to rest over Sid’s heart before resting his right hand over Geno’s heart. A grin slowly crossed Geno’s shocked expression.  
“Making marry with me?" Sid questions in stuttering Russian before he shifts his gaze to where his fingers are splayed across Geno’s bare skin. His ring finger twitches over a bite mark he’d left the night they won the Cup.  
“Da." Geno breathes out with laughter as he cups Sid’s face in his hands and starts to press kisses across his face. "Da. Yes. Yes. Da. Da. Da. Zolotse. My Sid forever. You’re want me for all time?" Geno asks seriously as his smile presses against Sid’s, unable to kiss through their mutual grins.  
“Yeah, for sure." Sid laughs as he runs a thumb over Geno’s bottom lip. “The Cup means nothing without you by my side, Zhenya. I want everything with you." Geno’s laughter rumbles like thunder as he pulls Sid under him so they can lay pressed against each other on his couch.  
“Forever, Zolotse," Geno whispers as he kisses Sid again.  
***  
“Damnit, Sid, the cup day is supposed to be for everybody. Only having Tanger, Duper, the Lemieuxs, the Gonchars, and yours and Geno’s families here make it seem like it’s a private party." Flower grumbled as he stood on the dock looking back at Sid’s backyard filled with their friends and family. Sid grinned as he threw an arm over Flower’s shoulder.  
“That’s because captains get two days. Geno flew out his parents and Dennis to sign his new contract and since we all happen to be in Cole Harbor on this first of my Cup days," Sid let his silence grow as he waited for his greatly impatient friend to look at the hand that hung off his shoulder. Quick eyes of a goalie and reaction skills to match, Flower spun to face Sid, while grasping his hand and black box in Sid’s grasp.  
“Mon ami, don’t tell me this is what I am thinking it is." Flower’s grin grew as he watched Sid’s relaxed and proud grin. “Vero will kill me when she finds out. I have to go tell her I’m your best man. She will kill me if I don’t. She can read minds, I promise." Flower jokes as he glances back at the crowd. He pauses and slowly counts the people present before looking back at Sid, eyes widening.  
“Be my best man?" Sid is pulled into a giant hug as Flower bellows in French. Quickly after that Sid is surrounded by a group of chattering French with random slaps and hugs while being escorted where Geno is speaking seriously with his parents. Sid knows how worried Geno is about too many people knowing. Things have changed in Russia and Sid fears that he’s forcing Geno to choose between him and his home. It’s why secrecy is key. It's why Sid will do everything in his power to make sure they have peace and quiet and that Geno can have both worlds that make him who he is.  
They exchange rings that they had placed in the Cup and are surrounded by cheers and applause as they kiss for the first time as husbands. The ring feels both weightless and 50 pounds all at once. Sid wouldn’t ask for anything more as he felt cool metal kiss his skin as Geno brushed his knuckles down his cheek before resting his hand over Sid’s heart.  
“Zolotse." Tears shine in Geno’s eyes as Sid pulled him into a hug and kissed whatever part of his husband he could reach.  
***  
It's amazing what the media will believe if you evade their questions with wordsmithing. Eventually I had to buy a house to keep the media from realizing I had moved out of Mario’s years ago. Trying to hide a family, especially a baby was excruciating. Two was worse.  
“Everybody, Sid say big news. Listen now!" Geno hollered from the middle of the locker room. The room fell into a hush as all eyes focused on Sid.  
“Uh, yeah, so I’m having a kid. Well, I mean, adopting twins. A boy and a girl. And Geno is going to be helping me out." Sid tried not to wince at the lie. Its moments like that where he hated that they couldn’t fully trust some of the newly traded teammates. The room burst into cheers and calls of celebration. Somebody, Sid is certain it’s Kuni, made a joke about Sid finally putting his child bearing hips to use.  
Flower swooped down on Sid with a huge hug. “Felicitations, mon ami. You two will be amazing parents." Relief rolled through Sid at his friend’s words. At least there was a small group who knew. That’s enough for him if it means Geno gets both worlds. His gaze moved across the crowd and locked with Geno who was surrounded by Gonch, Tanger and Duper all smiling at Duper’s wild gesticulations in storytelling.  
***  
The sound of new skates hitting a fresh layer of ice is one of Sid’s favorite sounds in the world. However, this time it was so much more because he’s had his little Romy in her first pair and holding onto his hands while she looked over at her Papa and back at her Daddy. Sid grinned reassuringly as he glances at Geno who is hunched over and whispering something to Dmitri. Their son paused and looked at Geno and motioned to be lifted up. Sid watched the exchange from the corner of his eye as his daughter pulled him forward towards the goal area where her Uncle Flower sat on top of the goal regaling the children with tales of hockey fathers past. Sid feared the day his kids started to ask Flower for stories of him or Geno.  
***  
He brought so much laughter and love into my life. I did my best to be his strength in the times he really needed me.

The room echoed as the door slammed shut. Sid flinched before staring back at all the journalists with their hands raised, cameras and phones recording every detail. “No more questions." Sid stated calmly. His hand clenched into a fist as he looked off to the left of the stage at the doors that Geno had left thru. Sid glanced back at Jenn and apologized softly as she nodded minutely.  
Jenn’s voice blended into the background as he strode out the doors, fiddling with his ring on his finger for the first time during a conference in the 6 years they had been married.  
Geno was in the locker room, sitting in his stall. His head hung low as he hunched forwards. Sid could hear the wet wrecked sounds coming from him. He stopped just an inch before Geno’s bowed head, hesitating only a second before carding a hand through the hair at the back of Geno’s head. A sob ripped out of Geno as he pulled Sid forward, grasping at his sides and burying his face into Sid’s stomach. Russian and English words blending together and muffled as Geno clung desperately to him.  
Sid measured his breaths so Geno knew he had a safe and steady refuge during his heartbreak. Tears slipped down Sid’s cheeks as he watched his fingers work their way thru dark strands. He hadn’t protected Geno. He’d failed and this was the most he would be able to do for the time being. His shirt was damp and he wasn’t sure if the shaking was his own shock or from Geno. Regardless, he was here and Geno had lost one of his homes. Sid vowed to never let Geno believe he could lose his home with Sid.  
***  
“Papa!" Romy cheered as she rushed in from the outside." Papa, I made a goal today! Papa!" Geno looked up from his sketch book with Dmitri and smiled as their daughter threw herself into Geno’s lap. She was clutching a puck to her chest and wearing the largest smile.  
“What have you got there, Myshka?" Geno prodded feigning ignorance.  
“My goal puck! Daddy said we can tape it when we showed you." Her eyes lit up and her mouth formed a perfect" o" as she looked behind her as Sid entered the room. She leapt from Geno’s lap and ran to her Daddy to bounce on the balls of her socked feet in front of him.  
“Daddy! Can my puck go in the case with yours and Papa’s pucks?" She asked eagerly. Sid glanced over at Geno to see a matching grin.  
“What a wonderful idea, Myshka. I think that’s something Papa and I would love." Romy spun around to face her Papa who had stood up slowly and stretched out his hand.  
“Would love to hear about goal. Dimka, come hear Myshka’s story. Maybe we show Daddy and Myshka pictures after?" Geno suggested as their son looks from his sketchbook to the markers in front of him then to his sister. Before he begrudgingly closed his sketchbook and curls into Geno’s side as Sid sits on Dmitri’s other side, his arm slid across the back of the couch so he can idly twirl the curls at the nape of Geno’s neck. Sid does his best not to comment on the space between himself and Dmitri as they turn to focus on Romy.  
They’re not genetically a Malkin or Crosby, but there are ways that Dmitri will look that Geno swears makes him look just like Sid. Other days, Sid has pressed back with examples of Myshka being a clone of her Papa.  
***  
-Wait, where are we now?  
-Sidney, why do you think we’re here?  
-I don’t know. But where is…oh, my Myshka.  
“I’m going with Sam to the Vet, Papa." Romy sat beside the dog with a fierce look on her face and her eyes rimmed red. Sid flinched because he had seen this look on Geno far too often lately and his heart aches to see it on their daughter.  
‘Romy, my love, Sam isn’t coming home." Sid interjected, stepping beside Geno and took his hand. Geno squeezed his hand quickly.  
“What do you mean, Daddy?" Romy looks at her hand currently scratching behind Sam’s ear." Are you killing my dog?" Geno and Sid flinch at the pain in her voice.  
“No, Myshka, Daddy and I take Sam to doctor who help Sam. Sam very old. Make many wonderful memories. Best memories of her twins. But Myshka, Sam is very sick. Doctor will help make her not hurt ever again." Geno murmured as he knelt in front of their daughter and slowly pet Sam’s muzzle with his free hand. Slipping his hand from Sid’s grasp, Geno mumbled in Russian before he brushed a strand of hair from Romy’s tear stained face.  
“Where will Sam go?" Romy sobbed as Dmitri spoke up from the couch behind Sam’s bed. “Is it a people heaven or a heaven for doggies only like that movie?" Sid smiles at their son.  
“I’m not sure, but whatever heaven she goes to, Sam will be very happy and waiting for us at the door when she realizes it's time. Just like she has here." Sid adds as he places a hand on Dmitri’s head. Dmitri is silent as he took in his father’s words.  
“That’s not fair." Dmitri stated before staring much more solemnly at Sam than a 9 year old has the right to.  
“No, death is not fair. Death makes you angry and hurt." Sid added softly. “And that’s ok.’  
A quiet sob breaks the silence as Romy pushes her face into Sam’s fur and cried. Sid looked from Dmitri to Romy to Geno staring helplessly at Romy.  
***  
-Sidney, hasn’t it been long enough?  
-Long enough? Hold up, Coach. What would be long enough?  
-Sidney, you need to start to face reality.  
-Reality? Wait where are we?

‘Is too cold. I drive kids, you have practice. No way there time go from school to rink and still be on Sidney Crosby time." Geno argued as he stood up from the kitchen counter. Dmitri and Romy had quickly finished their breakfasts and were waiting out their fathers’ argument. Romy glanced outside at the snow and made a face that Sid caught out of the corner of his eye.  
‘It’s too cold, I don’t want you giving your knee more reason to act up. I’ve been on Sidney Crosby time long enough, the team can deal if I’m on Evgeni Malkin time for once. Lord knows we’ve been married long enough one of us had to switch to a new time zone." Sid teases as he moved forward to kiss Geno quickly before the kids made sounds of disgust.  
‘Zolotse," Geno mumbled and brushed his hand over Sid’s face. Sid’s smile falters at the name Geno rarely called him recently, his eyes watered suddenly and he blinked to clear his vision. Geno looked pained as he focused on resting his hand over Sid’s heart. Sid lifted a shaking hand to place over Geno’s heart.  
“I miss you, Zhenya." Sid whispered in Russian as he searched Geno’s eyes for something. Geno sighed before leaning forward to kiss Sid gently on the forehead.  
“Zolotse, take kids to school. Be careful make way to rink. Drive like old man you are." Geno smiled teasingly at the children who chuckle at their father’s expense. Sid could see the pain behind Geno’s eyes; a pain that has been there more often than he has wanted to see recently. Sid pressed a kiss to Geno’s lips.  
“Ugh, My, do we really need to watch them be like this?" Dmitri gagged at his sister. Romy grinned and pat her slightly taller brother’s shoulder.  
“Yes, and you’re my little old man from Pasadena." Sid throws in and relaxes a little when he sees a genuine smile in Geno’s eyes." We need a date night soon, Zhenya. I miss you." Sid stated as he turned to start ushering the kids towards the door.  
“Bye, Papa!" Romy rushed to throw herself around her Papa’s waist and pressed a kiss goodbye to his cheek before going to follow Sid into the garage. Dmitri followed with a hug and pressing his face to Geno’s chest before saying goodbye and followed his sister out.  
***  
People still think they can text and drive in adverse weather.  
The snow hides the ice.  
Sid grips the steering wheel and tries to correct the SUV as he hears the kids scream out for him. It’s never the erroneous driver who suffers.  
Sid feels cold and can’t hear his children over the sound of water rushing into the vehicle.  
***  
Geno is sitting on the couch when the call comes.  
He is still sitting there when Kris barges thru the door demanding that Sid better not be skipping out on practice for sex. He freezes when he sees Geno slumped on the couch, tears streaming down his face as he stares at a picture on his phone of Sid on the ice with their kids.  
Kris takes out his phone and sends out a quick message. He grabs bottled water from the kitchen and sits down next to Geno and gulps audibly as he stares at a man whose heart has shattered completely.  
***  
-Oh, no. G…Zhenya? I- Coach, what is this?  
-Haven’t you figured it out yet, Sidney? You’re dead.  
-What? No.  
A blurred figure flits between past and present teammates who have all crowded into their living room. Geno is sitting on the couch with Flower on one side and Gonch on his other. All three are in dark clothing and serious expressions.  
“Why they still here, Flower?" Geno asks in a monotone.  
“Because it’s a memorial. They want to show their respect.’  
“Fuck their respect. I want them out." Flower looks over Geno’s shoulder at Gonch who shrugs and rests a hand on Geno’s shoulder.  
“I know you hurt, Zhenya," Geno lets out a pained noise, scrunching his eyes shut at the name and the fluency of his mother tongue spoken to him." We all do and nobody as much as you. It helps for some to be amongst others who share that pain. We can give them another half hour before we thank them for coming and see them at the funeral." The pained expression on Geno’s face is too much. Sid rushes forward to reach out to him." We won’t leave you.’  
“Zhenya." Sid tries brushing his hand against Geno’s and cries out as he touches nothing. He sees a shiver run through Geno. “Zhenya, please. I’m right here. Zhenya!" Sid tries to grab at him again, but Geno winces and turns away from Gonch staring at his drink. Flower and Gonch stare at one another worryingly.  
“C’mon, Zhenya. Please look at me. I’m right here, please." Sid pleads as he sinks to his knees and leans forward hoping to feel the warmth and solidness of his husband’s knee. Instead he feels cold.  
-Sidney, is this necessary?  
-I can’t. I can’t leave him. Oh my god, he’s going to be alone.

The crowd is large, easily all of the NHL active roster and half of the retired Pens of past and Team Canada rosters are present with their families. Sidney finds his sister standing to Geno’s left holding his hand in hers. Their parents next to her, holding one another and crying. The absence of the Malkins is marked by three empty seats next to Sid’s parents. Flower and his family stand to Geno’s other side with Gonch and his family immediately behind him. Their friends and teammates create more layers of support and protection for Sidney’s family.  
There are three coffins resting on platforms at the front of the church. They’re all dark cherry wood and covered in calla lilies and smaller flower arrangements to symbolize grief and loss. Sid can see the flitting image of Coach moving between the caskets.  
“Please don’t." Sid begs quietly. He’s in one of those but the other two have his children. Sid struggles to breathe although a part of his brain reminds him if Coach is right breathing is redundant. That doesn’t stop his chest from heaving or his eyes from burning. He stumbles towards Geno. His Zhenya. His husband he’s left and hurt in a way he never wanted.  
“Baby, Zhenya. Please. I’m so sorry. I’m here. Zhenya." Sid cries as he stands helplessly in front of Geno.  
Geno sits quietly staring at the coffins. One hand grasping Taylor’s, the other clenched on the top of a polished cane with a few carvings at the top and stickers at the bottom. Flower and Vero each hold one of their children’s hands between them. There are sounds of crying, pain and laughter as various friends and family members go up to share about their memories and loss in Sid and the kids. Some people try to speak directly to Geno, to remind him that he is not alone and they want to be there for him in whatever way is possible.  
Their words fall on deaf ears. Sid feels like Geno is staring at him the entire funeral.  
As the crowd dissipates, the caskets will be left in a mausoleum once the last guest leaves. The caskets will stay there until the ground thaws and headstones can be made. Sid reminds himself that his and his children will be kept in a frozen state until then. How can Sid leave his husband when he knows his body has yet to be laid to rest?  
Geno stays seated with Flower, Gonch, and Tanger with him. All four men’s faces are wet from a steady stream of tears.  
“G, there’s a dinner at Mario’s. We’ve sent everybody ahead." Tanger states as he pats Geno’s knee supportively." We’ll stay with you here or wherever you need us for however long you need us.’  
The room fills with the sound of their breathing and crying as they sit together.  
“They gone. Dead. They my-my." Geno’s breath stuttered as he sobbed." They my everything and they gone." His gaze stayed fixed on the caskets." What I do now?" Geno feels himself encompassed in strong and familiar arms from all sides. Three heads lean on his shoulders or neck, and they stay quiet. Wordlessly, they sit in the pain of their shared tears.  
Finally, Flower whispers, “I don’t know, G. I don’t know.’  
***  
Geno is sat on the porch, one hand clenched in his hair the other fiddling with a pen over his journal. Sid knows how many battles they had fought about that journal. His heart aches as he watches Geno sag back in the chair with a pitiful noise.  
“I tell him it no work. Always tell him is most stupid idea. And he listen to me? No. Because Sidney Crosby always right." Geno grumbles as he rights himself and stares at the blank page.  
“Fuck you! Fuck you, Sidney! How dare you-" Geno anguished scream is short-lived, swinging his arms to up turn the table." So stupid. He not hear me. Never hear me." Gingerly, he lowers himself to the floor to gather his journal and pen. He rights the table with some struggle that has become normal for him.  
“Write they tell me. Say write make so much easier." Geno flicks the pen between his fingers and sighs, mumbling to himself in Russian." Words are never easy. No matter the language." Sid kneels beside him putting his hand above Geno’s. He watches as the pen moves agitatedly. Geno’s eyes are red rimmed and he is unsure if it’s a lack of sleep or tears at fault.  
“I’m here, baby." Sid urges Geno to hear him, wants him to know Sid would never willingly leave him." Zhenya, please," Sid’s plea increases in urgency as he catches the stutter in Geno’s breath and the pen’s rhythm." Zhenya?" Sid looks between the pen and his husband’s eyes and knows." Zhenya, I’m here. Write it down, baby, c’mon. Zhenya, I’m here. I exist." His voice strains as he wills his words to be heard. He cannot feel the warmth, cannot sense that Geno is near him except for what his eyes and ears tell him. He cannot smell the aftershave or musk that lingers in his bedclothes. The need he feels swell within him is great as he tries again." Zhenya, I still exist. I’m here. Zhenya. I love you.’  
Geno’s breath hitches as he squeezes his eyes shut, refusing to watch as his hand guides the pen in scratching across the page. Without looking, Geno flings the pen into the yard and crumbles to the porch floor. A litany of" no" on his lips.  
Sid stares astonished at the scratchy letters spelling out: Z-h-e-n-y-a-I-s-t-i-l-l-h-e-r-e-l-o-v-e.  
-Am I hurting him?  
-What do you think?  
-I can’t leave him alone.  
-Is that really your job now?  
***  
Taylor looks up at Geno with a watery smile." God, G, we’ve lost so much way too quick." She pulls him into a hug, pressing her face into his shoulder." I’m so glad I still have you. I’m not sure what I’d do if I lost both my brothers and Littles.’  
Taylor’s black dress top with black pants and heels gave her no leverage on Geno’s height. She pulls back to take in his all black suit. She touches his tie, subdued enough for her to know it was Sid’s. They share a pained look before Geno pulls her back into a hug.  
They drive in silence to PPG. They had requested to avoid the players entrance to minimize platitudes and small talk before the ceremony. Mario meets them with a small smile and knowing look as he looks over Geno. Standing aside, Mario steps closer than typical to Geno’s side, as Taylor grasps his hand between them on Geno’s otherside. They slowly make their way to the carpet rolled onto the ice.  
The noise blares as the crowd cheers, sticks and gloves knock against boards and ice. A chant fills the arena, people calling out to their bereaved alternate captain. Geno inhales shakily, shifting his stance and pulling Taylor towards middle ice. Mario keeping stride.  
The arena quiets as the lights dim, a light shines over Geno, Taylor, and Mario. A second on Rutherford and Sully beside a large box. Sid is unsure what words were spoken, his focus solely on Geno and Taylor’s white knuckled hands slightly shaking as they clasp each other, creating an anchor between his sister and husband as they stare forward. He watches as their red rimmed eyes follow the fabric of the banner as it rose into the rafters. It was always their end game: having their numbers side by side in black and gold for all of days. Sid couldn’t look though. Nothing could compare to the mixture of pride, pain, and stubbornness mixing with tears on Geno’s face.  
A flicker of movement caught Sid’s eyes. Coach stood off to the side staring at Sid with a knowing gaze. Sid averts his eyes in hope of ignoring the growing knowledge that he was lingering and that wasn’t healthy.  
He watches as Geno stubbornly leaves the ice before Mario to the sounds of cheers, applause and support. His left hand flexing on an invisible cane, his right still held tightly in Taylor’s.  
***  
-Coach?  
-Yeah, Sid?  
-How long has it been?  
-What does it matter? Time is irrelevant to us.  
-But to Zhenya?  
-Grief makes time go slower. Hours feel like days and months like years.  
-He’s not getting better.  
-Are you?  
They were in the cemetery. Geno was walking towards the plots that had been made. A large marble marker stretched just beyond the three graves. Geno spent some time tending to the flowers, cards, and balloons other visitors had left. Sid could hear the deep rumble of Geno’s voice as he spoke to the empty air. Talking to Dmitri and Romy about how much he missed them. Telling his favorite stories about them over their too short lives.  
Sid watched as Geno lowered himself in front of the placard at the far left end. His fingers traced the etchings of Sid’s first name. Darker shadows shifted to make the epithet stand out: A kind man with simple wishes, large dreams, and a family of love beside him. Geno sighed as he brushed the words slowly.  
Sid knelt behind Geno, sliding his arms around his shoulders and leaning his head against his shoulder." I’m here, Zhenya. I’m here. I’ll never leave you, baby. I’m here." Sid kept whispering promises against Geno’s shoulder. Longing to feel the pressure of his body against Geno’s once more. His hand slid to rest over Geno’s heart. Sid knew he would cry if he were not dead.  
That did not stop Geno. With a wretched sob, Geno curled in on himself sobbing and pleading. His litany of" no" resounding as it did each time Sid tried to provide comfort. In his bones, Sidney could feel that he was the cause for Geno’s pain. That his continued presence was doing more harm than good. Resolute, Sid pressed his face near Geno’s hair, wishing to smell the shampoo or feel the texture of the grey strands intermingled with the thinning texture.  
“I’m sorry, Zhenya. I can’t keep being the cause of your pain." Sid stood and stepped backwards, watching as Geno continued to cry, rocking his body slowly over the graves of his family." I will always love you." Sid stated painfully. He forced himself to turn and walk past his children’s graves towards Coach and faded away.  
Missing the fourth name carved into the placard with no end date engraved.  
***  
Act II  
He sees snow when he first opens his eyes. Which doesn’t make sense, when he hears the sound of waves crashing against the shore nearby. It doesn’t sound the same as a wintery beach at home and he definitely shouldn’t be laying in the middle of a snow bank when he can see a seagull overhead. However, the gull doesn’t move.  
Sid slowly pulls himself into a sitting position to get a better idea of his surroundings. He’s sitting on the top of a snow bank that’s lifted slightly higher than the edge of a large lake. Behind the lake he can see a small island before the lake meets the mountain range that lines the horizon. The mountains are dark and shaded with various shades of grey. There are splotches of white where the snow clings to the rocks. He scans the horizon trying to figure out where he knows it from.  
The sound of waves draws Sid to look behind himself. He sees the ocean. Waves are crashing against packed sand that blends into snow as the beach reaches towards the snow bank. There are blurs of color closer to the waters edge that Sid has trouble identifying. Farther left, Sid sees a small pier that reaches out from the beach into the ocean.  
A beige shape is making its way down the pier towards Sid. He watches as it comes closer. The sound of paws hitting the planks echo towards him, getting louder as the distance shortens.  
“Oh my god," Sid gasps as he finally makes sense of the shape. He throws his arms open as he moves to kneel and brace himself. He’s knocked back into the snow as he is hit with the weight of an overly excited golden lab." Sam!" Sid laughs as he scratches the dogs head and hugs it close. Not even having his face slobbered over bothers him. He can feel this. He can feel the cold of the snow, he can feel the fur under his hands. Sam’s cold wet nose and tongue on his face. He can feel it.  
It has been ages since he could feel anything and he knew he missed it, but didn’t realize he missed it as much as he did. He figured the longing was so strong because he ached to comfort and hold his husband. That he would be used to not feeling things and it would only bother him when he thought of his family.  
“How are you doing, girl?" Sid grinned and pressed a kiss to Sam’s muzzle." If you’re here, have you been taking care of the twins?" Sid scanned his surroundings quickly for any sign of life other than himself. Beyond the blur on the beach, he could see nothing that was not picturesque. Maybe this was not heaven. Possibly a hold over until something happened or he was stuck in a state of purgatory: eternally waiting to find his children and never knowing how his husband made a life after his passing.  
“C’mon, boy, let’s go explore a little bit." Sid stood and carefully made his way down the snow bank. Sam followed happily barking as if to tell Sid about everything that had happened since they’d last seen one another. Sid started to make his way towards the beach, the promise of warmth a strong motivator.  
“Alright, Sam. So Romy and Dimitri are in year seven now. Can you believe it? We have teenagers." Sid chuckles to himself, taking comfort in the sound of Sam’s steps next to his." I’ve got the grey hair to prove it, and what G hasn’t lost is this amazing pepper shade. They’re amazing. Dmitri would have loved having you around to play soccer. He’s an amazing goalie. No interest in hockey though, would always prefer to sketch at the games or practices. Him and his Papa would sit and turn a blob of colors on a page into random and gorgeous scenes together while I’d be on the ice playing or helping out with Romy’s team." Sid grins. Thoughts of his family helping to chase away thoughts of the purpose of this world.  
“And Romy, Sam. She’s amazing. Both of them are, but Romy has her Papa’s ferocity on the ice and I can see the way she sees the ice and how the game is unfolding. She wears 77." Sid laughs with a shake of his head." She says it’s the same number but It belongs to different people like fraternal twins-like her and Dimka. One 7 is for 87 and the other for 71. I dunno how I would get a kid more into symbolism than her and not share my genetics. Zhenya always says Nurture not Nature, Zolotse. You did this to yourself now I pay for your choices. Maybe I divorce you and can run away with Dimka to avoid crazy Crosbys." Sid sighs as he hears the last note of his imitation. He looks at his feet, where Sam looks up with the unconditional love of a dog for her human. " I miss them, girl." He admits quietly.  
Stepping onto the sand, Sid can feel the sun on his skin. He’s wearing track pants and one of Geno’s Penguins hoodies. He had taken to using those when he was heading in for early morning skates. A comfort from having some item of Geno’s with him on the ice and not the glaring reminder in the rafters.  
‘You look lost in thought, Sidney." Sid jerked his head up to see Coach standing in front of him. Sam bounded up to the man and barked while circling him. Sid looked from Sam to Coach’s smiling face. His own expression was clearly confused as he took in Coach’s stance. That was never a pose he recalled his old coach using, but there have been a lot of coaches in Sid’s life, he can’t be held accountable to remembering the stances of every single one.  
“Where are we, Coach?" Sid glances from the sand below his sneakers to the snow behind him." This isn’t heaven, is it?’  
“No," Coach replies as he kneels to scratch Sam behind her ears." We’re close, but when we first arrive, it’s common to be insecure. So we create something to make us feel safe. Usually from our imagination or something we love." Coach watches as a small smile twitches at the corner of Sid’s lips." Want to show me around?’  
Sid walks slowly in a circle before his gaze finds the blur of color a yard or two in front of them. He’s moving forward without really thinking, his gut telling him what it is, but his mind refusing to believe the blurs are what he sees.  
As he gets closer, he can see that it's two beach chairs. One in bright orange and the other in a familiar shade of blue. Both have Penguins towels draped over the arms, and it’s impossible not to chuckle as he looks towards the shore. He realizes as he sees the sand figures that are in partial development that the waves are not moving. " Coach?" Sid cocks his head to the side as he takes in the lack of movement. He has a hard time rationalizing the sounds of waves crashing with the frozen rolling waves in front of him.  
“Where are we, Sid?" Sid looks to his left where Coach is standing and looking out towards the horizon. Sam sits happily between them presses her muzzle into Sid’s leg.  
“It looks like one of my husband’s drawings he would do with our son." The smile that crosses Sid’s face is tinged with pain as he looks at the partially built sand figures. " When," inhaling once deeply before releasing it slowly, Sid starts again." After our relationship and family were outed, Zhenya lost so much and drawing was one of the only ways he could process it. Dimka, our son, was always an artist. He had this eye at a young age and Zhenya would ruin these pieces of paper with blotches of paint. Well not ruin, but they could take these blotches and create these worlds on the pages." Coach’s gaze was piercing as he watched Sid’s eyes glaze over. His face slacken slightly and his fists tighten.  
***  
Sid stood in the doorway to the backyard smiling to himself. Romy and Dmitri were racing around the obstacle course with Beckham and Leo. He wasn’t sure if dog sitting for Murray was the right choice when the kids had been asking for a new dog ever since they put Sam down a few years earlier. Not having a dog, but having kids had made them the perfect dog sitters whenever their teammates needed one.  
Geno was sitting at the small table they had set up for him during his rehab to encourage him to go outside. Sid wasn’t home enough with the back to back schedules and road trips that the league had set for the team this season and they needed to make sure Geno had a few places to wander each day to make sure he wasn’t letting his muscles weaken. Sid moved to place his hand on the nape of Geno’s neck and bend down to rest his cheek on his head as he looked out at their kids. Geno’s hand reached out and pulled Sid’s free arm across Geno’s chest and held his hand over his heart.  
"You drawing?" Sid murmurs quietly.  
"Make us home on the beach with nice rink in the back where it cold always. Because my Sid so weird and like cold even when we old and retire." Geno’s tongue peeks out between his teeth. Sid squeezes their joined hands quickly.  
" I married the Russian hockey player who hates the cold." Sid could feel the tension stiffen Geno’s posture. From years of experience since they had been outed and Geno had been stripped of all Russian citizenship for his immoral choices, Sid knew he had said the wrong thing on the wrong day. He forced himself to relax against Geno, to slow his breathing and nuzzle his face into Geno’s hair. " Your knee doesn’t stop you from being a hockey player. Just like Duper didn’t stop being one after the clots." Sid slid his free hand to scrape at the hair at Geno’s temple. " I love you so much, Zhenya."  
" Love you, Sid."  
Sid hummed softly for a moment as Geno squeezed their joined hands again. " I want us to have a bunny hill to do some skiing and a grill that’s black and yellow for the team."  
" I’m draw you whatever you want, Sid. You have to make splashes though to help drawing more real." Sid grins as he’s handed a paint brush. He knows his role, make the splashes and Geno will create something. It’s not quite what he does with Dimka, but it’s a way to include him in the world Geno’s had to find since he was forced to retire.  
***  
“He keeps losing everything." Sid whimpers softly." But he always-always shared his dreams with me." Sid looks back at Coach remorsefully." We’d argue constantly about vacations. I’d want to go to the snow, he’d want the beach. Once the kids came along, they were all for beach time with Papa. I’d forever be outnumbered. It was just," Sid smiled, shrugging before looking down at the sand figure." Anywhere with them was exactly where I wanted to be." Coach watches Sid carefully, analyzing the mixture of sadness and fondness flitting across Sid’s face. With a jerk of his head and a grunt, Coach spins on his heels to face the snowy landscape.  
‘So, this is your imagination. You made this place up, so give us a tour, why don’t ch’ya." Coach demands happily as he throws an arm across Sid’s shoulders, ruffling Sid’s hair as his hand passes the top of his head. Sid narrows his eyes at the gesture before looking out at the mountain range. Now that he is aware that this is his imagination, he can see the familiar flicks of Zhenya’s sketching. The blurred lines from his quick flicks of the pen, how the lines build the mountains and snow capped peaks. How the horizon reflects off the lake. Sid knows this scene.  
It had started as words and playful imaginings when they were tucked away in the dark of night before they ever lifted the cup. It had become random doodles on napkins Sid would find on his bench or in a coat pocket. A reminder of them before they let others in. Then it was scenes filling pages in sketchbooks with random crayon scribbles that progressed into recognizable forms. The most recent had been on the fridge. A family of snow bears always sketched into the scenes, sometimes by a more focused hand, other times by a loopier and shaky hand.  
It was their fantasy world; where they could just be with each other without fear of the consequences of the real world. Where they could have a hidden cabin on a lake where they could indulge in days spent in a nest of blankets in front of the fire and take only a few steps to be on a sunny private beach. Places that went from indulging in the draw of privacy and the timelessness of each other's bodies and minds to the privacy and peacefulness of their small family.  
It was always Zhenya who put their imaginings to paper. Dmitri’s additions coming in the quiet moments of father and son connecting on a level Sid could never find with him. Dmitri would add color and fantastical aspects from his mind. Anything from the accursed statues that Romy and Dmitri insisted on decorating for all holidays to snow and sand battles of dragons and knights, penguins body slamming sharks to walls to keep out unknown monsters. Romy would sit with them and demand her Papa tell the story about that particular visit. Sid would always be propped in a doorway listening to his family unable to help his smile seeing how something that had been the anchoring secret of two young kids in love had grown to a way for his family to connect.  
If this was the world they had designed in their words, than he knew it well.  
Sid made his way to the top of the snow drift and looked down at the lake towards a small island filled with trees and splashes of color against the pristine snow. Sid’s eyes scanned the water looking for a pathway or bridge. Sam rushed past Sid and paced at the shoreline barking over her shoulder.  
“Being a bit too slow, old man," Coach chuckles as he passes Sid making his way down to Sam. With a wave of his arm, Coach motioned for Sid to join him. Sid made an aborted sound as Coach stepped out onto the water with Sam at his heels.  
“It’s your imagination. C’mon, Sid, you’re not being a very good host." Sid glared at the hit to his manners as he slid towards the shore. Coach and Sam had made it a few more steps on the lake. It clearly was not frozen. Sid stared skeptically at Coach and Sam trying to figure out how they had made it so far out without sinking. Shrugging, Sid charged forward. His feet finding no purchase and sent him flying he first into the water.  
He struggled to right himself. Trying to orient himself to what was up. He had no chance to inhale before going down and he knew he wouldn’t have much longer before the air in his lungs left him. He tried to calm himself as he took in his surroundings. The water was murky. Poorly drawn shades and figures with random streaks of white against the charcoal mixed blue and greens gave no hints of direction. Sid’s arms pushed through the water trying to his best to keep himself floating as he tried to find any hint of surface or the lake bed.  
Bubbles disrupt his view as they slip from his mouth with the precious oxygen he had stored up in his shocked gasp before he hit the water. He didn’t understand how he had gone so deep so quickly. What was beneath the water was always a world unknown to Sid because Romy and Dmitri created stories to share with each other about a place they could explore while their parents were" boring and old" as Romy had no problem stating with the tone he had not hoped to see as early as 11.  
“Sid.”  
The bubbles increased with the grunt Sid released as he struggled to make out where Coach’s voice was.  
“Sid, you’re dead. You can’t die again." Coach was laughing as Sid blinked slowly and released his breath. His eyes followed the bubbles as the drifted upwards. Shaking his head with disbelief Sid pushed his arms down towards his torso and felt himself move upwards. It took mere seconds for Sid to see a tanned arm reaching through the water." C’mon, old man, grab on." Sid clasped the offered hand and shook his head as he broke the surface and was met with barking between Sam licking at his face.  
“What was that?" Sid demanded and stared at his body that showed no evidence of having been in the water. He paused to realize that he had not felt any snow seeping into his clothing when he had first awoken either." Why-no, wait-how," Sid paused as he tried to find the words.  
“It’s your imagination. That doesn’t mean any of it’s real. Have you imagined yourself being soaked?" Coach lifted an eyebrow, chuckling as he stood to his full height. Sid grumbled as he tried to find purchase to lift himself onto whatever surface Coach and Sam were using to stay above the water.  
“Alright, help me out here, Coach." Sid tried feeling around Sam’s feet for any sign of sturdy ground that he could use as leverage and he was met with nothing but the feeling of wet.  
“All you have to do is imagine standing. It’s all about how you picture it." With a frustrated exhale, Sid pulled the muscle memory of skates hitting the ice at the start of a day. The way his muscles shifted to balance his frame on two thin blades on frozen water. He could feel his core tighten, his muscle memory taking no time to adjust to the idea. When he opened his eyes, Sid was standing next to a cheekily smiling Coach.  
“I’m not going to ask. Let’s just," Sid paused as he took in the distance between the island and their current location." How do we get from here to there it looks like it could take a while." Coach shrugs, his tongue sticking out from between his teeth slightly as he smiles. The smile slips from Coach’s face as Sid flinches at the memories of so many similar smiles from Zhenya on and off the ice. Sid cleared his throat and forced a practiced pleasant face as he looked back towards the island.  
Coach sighed, sweeping an arm in front of him." You just have to think and you’ll be there. Try it out, you know what’s there, don’t you?" Sid nodded at Coach’s question. He closed his eyes briefly and thought of the small cottage he had seen sketched so many times throughout their relationship.  
When he opened his eyes, they were standing in a garden filled with flowers and tomato plants. In front of him was a cottage with dark wooden walls, a low hanging a-line roof with snow clinging to it, and a single door. Sid looked behind him and shook his head in disbelief.  
“You sure this is my heaven, Coach?" Sid chuckled. He stared at the two hideous alien statues he had spent the better part of the last decade trying to get used to. He had thought they could be done with them once the twins came around, but somehow both twins had found the abominations fascinating. His fearless little ones." I’m never escaping these damn things." Coach stared at Sid curiously. Shaking his head with a small smile, Sid moved towards the cabin and went in.  
The interior was dark, but the room was well furnished. The fire place was empty, but before it was a plush pile of blankets and pillows. Over the mantel was a collection of miniature Stanley Cups and pictures of the family. Sid scrambled towards the picture, holding the frame gently. He stared at the blurred images. Sid knew it was his imagination so he needed to think about a picture. He focused on the image of being wrapped in Zhenya’s arms as the kids rolled their eyes over the display of affection. Sid’s breath slows as he tries to imagine the feeling of being in his husband’s arms or the feeling that shoots up his spine and relaxes his shoulders when he hears his pet name in Zhenya’s deep timbre.  
When he opened his eyes he could only see himself and the kids in the photo. Perplexed, Sid touched the blurred part of the photo where his husband should have been.  
“He’s not here so he can’t show up in the photo." His shoulders sagged at Coach’s insight. Focusing on the image of his twins, he smiled at the look they were sharing. He knew how much fun they had chirping their parents over being so affectionate.  
“But Myshka and Dimka are in the photo." Sid take a moment to ground himself as a rush of pain overwhelms him momentarily." My kids are here because they were in the car with me." Sid looks around the cabin for any signs of life beyond his own presence." Why haven’t I seen them yet?" Sid levels Coach with a steady gaze. A strong paternal urge to check on his children settling in his chest. Coach stares at the wall and shrugs.  
“Probably the same reason you have no windows in this place.’  
“I don’t see how windows are connected to my children." Coach sneers at Sid, momentarily taking shocking Sid with the unfamiliar look.  
‘If you really wanted to see them, you would have." Pressing a hand to his head, Sid thought over Coach’s words.  
“I don’t see a time I would never want to see them. They’re my kids." Coach’s glare was steady as Sid met his eyes." Coach, do they know I’m here?" Coach turned his back to Sid before he walked to the wall and shook his head.  
‘When you’re ready to see them, you will. That’s all I can tell you, Sid." Pressing his hands against the wall, Coach pressed two fingers from each hand and moved them in opposite directions. Dragging his fingers through eraser shavings, he stopped after creating a rectangular window and pressed a hand into the center." You need to let go of him, Sid. It’s holding you back.’  
Sid felt his jaw slacken as he watched the wall beneath Coach’s hand give away to a view of the lake and on the horizon the pier heading off into the ocean. A laugh escaped him, as he pushed himself to stand next to Coach and take in the world. It was their world but the colors had become vibrant, the etchings that had been so clearly the drawn mountains, were solid lines of rock. The lake rippled as though a soft breeze had come through. Beyond the snow drifts, Sid could see the rolling waves as they crashed against the beach.  
“What happened?" Sid gasped, refusing to draw his eyes away from the vibrancy of the world. Beyond what he was able to ever imagine himself. He had to wonder if this was what his family had pictured. The clarity and naturalness of the two polar opposite sceneries blending together where they should look like an odd Frankenstein-ed creation.  
“You have to accept that you’re here." Coach says simply.  
Sid stared out the window silently. His eyes landed on a shape growing in the garden by the Predator statue that had been lovingly named Gonch, it’s partner had been named Mario, in honor of their inability to be creative with names and as homage to the men who had helped guard them as new rookies and help them create a space to keep their young relationship away from prying eyes. Neither namesake had appreciated the gesture. Especially when the twins would talk about them as though they were part of the family, taking pleasure in the exasperated expressions that Gonch and Mario would make every time.  
“Coach, what’s that?" Sid gestured towards the shape that seemed to become more distinct the longer Sid stared. The silence that met Sid’s ears was enough to press him into action. He pushed himself through the opening and down the path. He rushed as though he was coming off a stint in the box and could see a perfect setup for a goal to repay his teammates for killing off his penalty.  
As he approached the statues, Sid saw a statue of a teddy bear, it wore a sweater with a broken heart in the center. Next to the bear were three statues of diminishing size. The second largest was a bear wearing a Pens jersey, the next smallest wore a shirt with the poop emoji on its sweater and the last had the heart eyed emoji. The laugh that escaped him sounded like a pained gasp as he knelt before the statues.  
“Zhenya?" Sid whimpered as he touched the broken hearted bear." Oh, my Zhenya. You have to be strong, my love." He brought his fingers to his lips and inhaled deeply before allowing his head to hang low.  
“What is this?" Coach asked as he approached Sid’s side. He stared at the statues perplexed.  
“It’s G." Sid swallows audibly as he moved his hand back to the broken hearted teddy bear." I’ve never seen this before." Sid turned to look at Coach imploringly." Why am I seeing this?" Coach shook his head in disbelief.  
“You shouldn’t be seeing this." Coach circled the statues with a stiff posture, he was on guard, looking for anything that might give a clue. Sid knew this expression. It was an expression any of his previous coaches had worn when they were trying to dissect a play and figure out how to make an improvement without messing with existing chemistry. Coach stopped suddenly, a Russian swear muttered under his breath causing Sid to snap to attention.  
“Sid, how close were you and your husband?" Sid huffed lightly, a grin crossing his face as he thought about how to describe his relationship with his husband.  
“The media called us the Two Headed Monster on the ice, but off the ice we were so much more in sync. I mean when we disagreed off the ice we could get on the ice and things would slip into place. But off the ice we just fit. Like puzzle pieces. As cliché as that sounds." Sid’s gaze falls from Coach’s shocked expression to the statues in time to notice as they start to crumble.  
Sid falls forwards trying to grasp the stone as it crumbles. His hands scramble to collect as much of the stone as he can. The pieces in his hand continue to dissipate in his grasp turning into dust in between breaths. Sid starts a litany of “no" as he stares from his empty hands to the spot the statues had been.  
“I….I don’t understand”’  
“You were soulmates." Coach states calmly, stepping forward to place a hand on Sid’s shoulders." It’s the only way you would be able to see something that he’s doing after you’ve crossed over. It’s rare to see a true soulmate connection." Sid keeps focusing on his hands trying to make sense of what he’s hearing." The problem is that one half doesn’t tend to survive without the other half." Coach’s gaze softens as Sid bows forward letting out a low pained moan.  
“Zhenya.”  
***  
“Zhenya! C’mon, Zhenya, we’ve got to do this now." Sid stared at the statues at the front gate. They were hideous and had never grown on him, but he knew his family adored the monstrosities. He had chosen to use the optional part of optional skate that morning because he had just got back from a 10 day road trip. Those were always the most difficult.  
Now that Zhenya had been forced into retirement, the kids were more settled with the road trips. They liked to have at least one of their parents home at night. It was something they had struggled with as a family for the first nine years of their lives when both Sid and Zhenya were playing as many games as their bodies would let them.  
Zhenya had confessed that he desperately missed being with the team and being on the ice, but having the kids to himself was an experience he was unsure how to appreciate enough. It had seemed like the three of them had gotten closer over the last season with Sid frequently traveling or being called for various Captaincy Responsibilities.  
Sid grinned as Zhenya slipped his arms around his waist, his chin resting on the top of Sid’s head after pressing a kiss to his temple." You grey like sexy professor in a romance film." Zhenya’s chuckle vibrates through Sid’s chest and he knows which playful smile is on his husband’s face." Miss you, Zolotse." Sid rests his shoulder against the softening but broad chest behind him and threading his fingers through Zhenya’s.  
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to not having you on the road with me." Sid whispers as he lifts Zhenya’s hands to his lips to press several small kisses to his knuckles." I love you," Of all the phrases he’s learned to stumble through the few visits they had to Russia before they were outed, the small phrase was always the one he felt he said the most naturally.  
Sid feels the press of Zhenya’s lips to the crown of his head. He can feel the tremble run through Zhenya as it does whenever somebody reaches out to him in Russian.  
***  
Romy sits on the bench and throws pucks on the ice. Her face is scrunched in anger. Her helmet is on the bench beside her, her stick resting against the wall. Sid approaches the bench and stands to the side.  
“Hey, Myshka." Sid’s greeted with a grunt. He sighs and glances at the roof wondering how somebody who shares no blood with either her parents can be so much like her Papa. Sid rests his hip against the board and looks down at his daughter. Her long hair is pulled back in a braid that rests over her shoulder." I’m pretty sure I could make a thousand guesses as to what’s wrong but I get the feeling you don’t want to hear my voice right now." Sid glanced down and caught Romy’s throwing action stop and lower the puck to her lap." So what I’m going to do is start taking a lap around the rink. When you want to join, come on with. We don’t have to talk." Turning, Sid slides out onto the ice and starts to glide along the perimeter.  
As he circles behind the back of the home goalie’s net he hears a second set of skates hit the ice. His glacial pace allows for the shorter legs to catch up with him quickly. He leaves one by his side, an open invitation because he knows his daughter and she craves touch when she’s in her head, just like her Papa. She doesn’t take his hand, but they skate in silence.  
As they round the home net for a second time, Sid gauges her body language, seeing a softening of her shoulders and facial expression he allows himself a small smile." I don’t know if you remember, but there was a game when we were in the playoffs in 2017 and I got these two hits to the head that were pretty nasty." Romy’s sharp inhale reminds Sid that neither of his kids liked the part of hockey where either of their parents were hurt. Both were in the family box when their Papa had gone down that last time. They’d seen him taken out on a stretcher and watched as Sid had to finish the period before he could go down the tunnel to check on him.  
“I went down and it took a bit to get back up. Papa was livid and you know how he gets when he’s protective. Your Oncle Kris took your brother, you and I home. Papa stayed behind. We all knew he needed to be alone to put together what had happened. Uncle Phil and Uncle Carl stayed after so he wasn’t totally alone, but they took this video of your papa in shorts and a long sleeve shirt coming out and skating on the ice. Moving between the break down crew just to have time on the ice because the ice listens to what we say even when we don’t say it outloud. Sometimes just being on it can help you.’  
They went from a face off dot to the next one in relative silence. He scooped to pick up the last puck on the ice and place it in his pocket-a habit of cleaning up the ice after a lifetime of living on it.  
Sid urged himself to stay calm as he felt her smaller hand wrap around his palm. It wasn’t until they reached the home net again before she spoke." I think this helped." Romy kept her gaze on the ice but gave his hand a quick squeeze." I think chocolate would make it totally better though." She glanced up from beneath her eyelashes. Sid chuckled because she was going to be a menace when she became a teenager.  
“How ‘bout some hot cocoa before we head home?" The smile he received in response was worth his patience. He felt reaffirmed in his knowledge of how to best help his family. They skated off the ice and walked down the tunnel in companionable silence.  
***  
“Hi, Sidney." A woman smiled from her seat on the steps of a public plaza. At the top of the steps was a large building with a domed roof and artistic designs along with walls. The steps lead towards a plaza that ended on a beach. The steps and plaza were filled with people milling around. All different types of people were wandering the plaza, filling it with noise of life. He could see groups of children playing in the shallow water and couldn’t help the momentary flash of embarrassment when thinking about trying to cross the lake with Coach.  
Sid looked around him for the familiar face, but he saw none. He heard barking suddenly and glanced towards the sound. A dog that was not Sam sprinted towards a young girl who was laughing at something her back to Sid. That didn’t stop him from hoping that braid was the one he had helped make for years.  
“Sidney," The same woman from earlier stepped between him and the young girl." Do you see somebody you recognize?" She smiled pleasantly at him, not looking at who he had been focused on. Sid shook his head quickly to clear his mind, glancing back once more to see that the girl was looking over her shoulder and clearly not Romy.  
“No. I’m, uh, I’m sorry. I thought I saw my daughter." Shaking his head once more, Sid slipped into his media persona, unsure how he was to interact with this woman." Hello, I’m Sid. I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name." She smiled again.  
“I’m Natalie." Sid smiles pleasantly at her and is met back with a smile." I’m so happy you’re here. Coach mentioned that you had isolated yourself." She shook her head slowly and clucked judgingly as she added," didn’t even allow windows in the cabin." As she inhales, she straightens her posture and shimmies her shoulders slightly before smiling back at Sid." You have to be ready to let yourself see the world you’re in now, Sidney.”  
Slipping his hands into the front pocket of the Penguins sweater, Sid stops himself from rolling his eyes." Yeah, for sure. Coach kept saying something very similar to that." Sid glanced over his shoulder unsure of where his little island was in comparison to this plaza." Um, Natalie, how did I get here?”  
“Oh," Natalie taps her forehead gently before rubbing a hand over the back of neck." Coach had to go tend to another charge, so he left you with me. Asked me to socialize you a little." Sid grimaced at her phrasing which Natalie either chose to ignore or missed completely. She started to descend the stairs and motioned for Sid to follow her.  
“Let me show you around." She gestures towards the people milling around the plaza." This is a meeting area. We all have our own little heavens that are like islands and each area has different communal areas similar to this. It lets you meet different people and not stay so isolated." She shoots Sid a knowing look." They make sure to emphasize that the more isolated we are here, the harder it is to truly move on from the world of the living." Natalie stops in front of a pillar and spins to face Sid, her face erupting into a large grin." I’m sure there are people who you want to meet and if you haven’t left your island than you never have a chance to find them.’  
As Sid’s eyes widen and he opens his mouth to start to speak, but Natalie grins, a flash of her tongue sticking out between her teeth before she spins on her feet to start towards the shore. Sid follows and tells himself to be alert. Maybe he can find Dmitri or Romy while he’s here; and not some look alike.  
As they approach the shore, Sid notices a pairs of people literally flying into the horizon. People standing along the shore are waving them on with bright smiles on their faces while others continue to play in the shallow water. Peels of laughter mix with the sounds of friendly chatter.  
“We can fly?" Sid asks incredulously.  
“You can do anything you set your mind to here." She shakes her head as if her answer was obvious." It's all about knowing what you want and putting your focus on it. It’s not like there are any real rules here." Natalie takes a moment to look him over, appraising him. Sid had spent too many years under the spotlight not to recognize when he was being assessed and judged.  
Deciding that he would rather not hear how he does or does not meet her standards, Sid decides to start asking about what he notices." So all the people here are also dead and have places that their imaginations have created to let them feel," Sid trails off as he notices the small boat that Natalie has stopped near.  
“Yes, everybody here has moved on from the world of the living. Most of us don’t know how long exactly we’ve been here. Time works differently. In some ways it goes faster, in others it’s slower. It all depends on how easily we move on and let go of the living world." Nodding, Sid takes in the differences of ages. Many of the people are children but there is a variety of ages.  
“How would I know if this is the plaza where I can find somebody I’m looking for?" Natalie’s smile falters briefly before returning to it’s normal brightness. Sid takes a moment to think about Flower and his constant smile. He hopes his friends are doing well and supporting each other like he saw at the funeral.  
“It depends." Natalie climbs into the boat and ushers for Sid to join. Sid eyes the narrow boat warily, too many years of misjudging the width and becoming stuck because hockey butts are not the typical design for seats. He finds that he fits well with some room on the small bench. He eyes the boat and wonders if the boat works in the same way that Coach and Natalie have mentioned the world works: wishing it into being.  
“Would I be able to wish them into being here?" He asks as he watches the boat start to drift out into the lake without oars and gliding smoothly. Natalie shakes her head sadly.  
“That’s not a possibility or people could wish too hard for somebody who is still living and that would really hurt their ability to settle here. Sometimes people come here expecting to find a loved one but they’ve chosen to go back and live again. That’s like the one rule." A saddened expression flashes across her face before returning once more to the smile. Natalie tilts her head and resumes her silent assessment of Sid. Being on a small boat that is driving itself, Sid figures he has no way of asking her to stop with getting any actual results, so he leans back and allows her to look her fill.  
After a minute or two of silence, Natalie leans forward, chin resting on the back of her hand. She finds Sid’s gaze and holds it quietly for a breath before allowing him to see the worry and fear in her expression." Sometimes the people we are looking for don’t want to be seen, or we aren’t ready to see them. So we can wear a costume of sorts. I don’t normally look like this." Sid takes in all of Natalie trying to find any sign that she was not the woman sitting before him." I chose this form because it’s a mix of my grandmothers and my parents adored their moms and made sure to let me know how much they meant to them." Sid make a non-committal noise and takes a moment to look around him.  
“Are there other things here that are in costume?’  
“No, only some of us choose to do so." Sid nods slowly, avoiding looking at Natalie. He is unsure how to proceed knowing that she is not who she appears to be. It makes the obvious assessment unsettling. He notices the movement of her leaning forward into his space again and glances at her out of the corner of his eye." You mentioned you were looking for somebody. Tell me about who you thought you saw in the plaza earlier?’  
A small breath escaped Sid. He looked up at Natalie who was leaning forward eager to hear whatever he was willing to share." I thought I saw my daughter." Sid means to leave it at that but the soft look in Natalie’s eyes makes him want to talk about his kids. He wonders if she has possibly seen either of the twins. He can’t imagine they would be separated here.  
“My daughter is," Sid purses his lips and thinks over the proper tense and has a brief moment of empathizing with Zhenya’s disdain for the past tense." My daughter was a twin. Her name is-was- Romy and her twin brother was Dmitri. She was an absolute firecracker. So much like her Papa. I couldn’t wait to see where life took her." Sid pauses, his eyes falling to his hands that are laced together tightly." My husband would say all the time that Dmitri-her brother-was my little clone and I would constantly argue that she was his. I can’t get over how similar they are-were." Sid lifts his gaze to the sky. It looks like a postcard with the slight glossy sheen on the sunset that hasn’t changed since Sid arrived in the plaza.  
“She was your husband’s favorite then?" Sid chuckled and shook his head.  
“No, we did our best not to favor one over the other, but that doesn’t mean that we didn’t find it easier to talk with one over the other. G was constantly stressing that I needed to try harder with my son. He just adores drawing and that is his time with his Papa and then I’d have ice time with Myshka." Sid notices the slightly wet smile crossing Natalie’s face.  
“Ice time?”  
“Yeah, G and I play hockey in the NHL so it's only natural that we would get our kids on the ice as soon as possible." Sid grins holds a level of privacy as he remembers friendly chirps about how quickly Sid had the twins at the rink." Romy took to it and she understands the ice in the way I know so well."  
“Silence is always best followed up with hot cocoa." Sid pauses and looks at Natalie warily. His eyes dart from side to side assessing any hints to her knowledge of their routine.  
“Oh, did you do something similar?" Sid hesitates as he asks.  
“Daddy," Sid looks back at Natalie, but in her seat is Romy. Sid reaches out desperately to cradle her face in his hands. His fingers brushing along freckles and stray hairs as he tries to take in all of her. Her nose crinkles as she laughs before throwing her arms around his neck." I missed you so much, Daddy. It's been so long and we’ve been so worried about you." Sid pulls her close to him patting her hair as he feels his eyes well with tears.  
“Oh, baby girl, it’s you. Why did you-oh, Natalie as in babushka." Sid chuckles and presses a kiss to her hair." Where’s your brother , Myshka?" Sid worries as he looks around the lake for any signs of his son.  
“When you’re ready you’ll see him, Dad. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but that’s how it works here. Oh, there’s Coach." Sid looks over his shoulder and sees Coach pacing the shore, his hand rubbing from the crown of his head down his face.  
As the boat docks near Coach, Sid is reluctant to release Romy. He’s well aware she is 11 years old, but he tugs her closer to him and lifts her into his arms. Romy squeals loudly and hugs tighter to Sid’s throat. Once Sid is on solid ground, Romy wriggles out of his grasp, settling herself on the ground beside him. She wraps her arms around the closest arm and leans full bodily into his side. Coach eyes the two of them and nods with a knowing smile.  
“See what I mean about being ready to see them so you do?" Coach’s grin is strained as he looks between Sid and Romy." We need to go back to your island, Sid." Romy scrunches her nose as she eyes Coach warily.  
“But he finally started to get off that island." Romy argues while tightening her grip on Sid’s arm. Sid can feel a loosening in his shoulders he hadn’t realized. He stops to assess his body, the idea of not realizing his body is carrying so much tension when he’s spent his whole life fine tuning his body like the hockey robot so many accused him of being is a bit overwhelming.  
“There’s something we need to discuss and you being at the island is going to be the best option." Coach emphasizes with more force before turning to walk out of the plaza. Sid starts following, allowing his fingers to grip Romy’s hand tightly.  
“Stay close, Myshka. We can trust Coach.’  
Stepping in the direction that Coach had taken, Sid is taken aback to find that he was transported to his island. He’s standing by Gonch and Mario no signs of the crumbled statues from earlier. Sid spares a thought as to how long it’s been since the statues crumbled. Romy makes a sound of delight as she recognizes where they are.  
“It’s the island! Oh, Daddy!" Romy sighs happily as she runs to the hideous statues." I missed you both so much! Oh! Dimka and I have to decorate you!" Romy spins on her heels to face Sid and Coach, her smile slipping immediately. Sid glances at Coach who has a pained expression as he looks between Romy and Sid.  
“Coach, where did you go?" Sid asks cautiously.  
“So we get people we have to watch over, kind of like our own rookies. Some of us are more veteran at being dead than others, ya know?" Sidney nods understandingly. He isn’t sure what he would have done if Coach hadn’t been around once he crossed over." When our rookies pass we have to go to them and one of my rookies died sooner than they should have.’  
“No!" Romy cries out and stomps her foot, arms rigid at her side and fists tight." No, that’s not possible. I know who your rookie is and that’s not-he wouldn’t do. No. He wouldn’t do it." Romy is stuck in her place her cheeks flushed and her body frozen. Sid looks back at Coach searching for a sign that he’s misreading the situation. When Coach closes his eyes slowly and shakes his head, Sid finds himself in a similarly paralyzed state.  
“Coach?”  
“I’m so sorry, Sid. There wasn’t anything that we could do. Soulmates-True Soulmates can’t survive well without the other and he just couldn’t take it." Coach looks at Sid with remorse as he places a hand on his shoulder." I’m so sorry, Sid. Romy." Sid shakes his head slowly.  
“Then where is he? If it's true, where is he?" Sid is unsure how his voice is so steady as he looks Coach steadily in the eye. If his husband is dead than they can go find Dmitri together with Romy and be together on the island.  
Romy’s sob breaks Sid’s mental planning. His eyes dart to check her over, she rushes forward to wrap her arms around Sid’s waist. He places a hand on her head as she buries her face into his side and cries.  
Coach grimaces and places both hands firmly on Sid’s shoulders, forcing Sid to look him in the eyes." I need you to understand that Geno isn’t here, Sid. He’s a Suicide and Suicides are a different type of death. They don’t know they’re dead. They upset the balance by ending their life too soon. The pain keeps them in a state where they will never know they’re dead. They’ll never know what happened. Suicides are lost souls. They can’t come here because they don’t know they’re dead." Coach squeezes Sid’s shoulders and searches his eyes for recognition.  
Sid shakes Coach’s grip off and presses his hands to his face, tilting his head to the sky. He replaces a hand on Romy’s head, a silent anchor as he tries to process what Coach has said. He shakes his head slowly thinking maybe that would help him better understand the idea that his husband had committed suicide. That he was in so much pain he had killed himself. Sid can feel a sob building in his chest, but he can’t let it out just this minute; there has to be another option.  
“G doesn’t know he’s dead?" Sid keeps a hand over one eye as he tries to focus his thoughts, the other is watching Coach. Coach stares back at Sid with a solemn expression and nods." He killed himself. So he’s in, what, hell?’  
A nod.  
“So I can just go and tell him and he’ll know and be able to be here with us and we can find Dimka." Sid nods as he shuts his uncovered eye trying to plot out the play in his mind. How does one get to this hell? How does he find his husband? He’s assuming it can’t be that easy or others would have done it before.  
“Sid, no, nobody has ever brought a Suicide back. It cannot be done." Sid’s hand drops from his face, balling into a fist at his side. He was never much of a fighter, but he could always be counted on when it absolutely mattered. He might not have thrown as many punches to defend his husband, but so many goals or penalties were drawn to avenge him.  
“Is that a rule?" He can’t help the sneer in his voice. It catches Coach off guard and he shakes his head in disbelief.  
“No, but, Sid, it cannot be done. Nobody has ever seen it done before because it’s not possible." Coach looks down at Romy whose face is still pressed into Sid’s side." If you were to go try to get him back, you would basically be walking away from your children." Sid pauses and looks down at Romy. He slides his hand under her chin, lifting slightly so they can make eye contact.  
“Myshka," Sid whisper softly. The red rimmed eyes only help settle his plan of attack." I love you." Sid reminds her gently in Russian." I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t believe I could bring your Papa back to you." Romy presses her face back into Sid’s side. He can see and feel the firm nod of her head .  
Looking back at Coach, Sid can see the strained expression on his face." You said that we are Soulmates. We don’t function well without the other. That it’s rare to find a Soulmate. So what’s to say that doesn’t give us an advantage? G put so much in danger and lost so much for our love and family, I refuse to let him sit in a prison for all of eternity because you say that in a world with no rules, I can’t do something. I’m going to find my husband and I’m going to bring him back so I can have my family together." Sid fixed Coach with a look he would give anybody during a face-off." Either you help me find a way to get to Geno, or you tell me who can. I’m not going to let him suffer more than he has. I love him too much. Those are your options: help or show me who can. Which do you choose?’  
Coach sighs and shakes his head, shoulders slumping." I guess we have to find a Ferryman. Romy cannot go though.”  
“Excuse me, and why do you get to say that?" The level of indignation rolling off his daughter startles a laugh out of Sid. He bites his lip and nods sagely.  
“Myshka, I need you to stay here and wait for your brother." Romy turns her appalled look to her father, stepping back she stares at him as though she’s been betrayed. Sid winces before continuing." If Coach is right and I can’t come back, then I need to know you’re safe. I can’t do this if I don’t know if you’re safe. I know you’re brave and protective and your Papa and I are so unbelievably proud of you and your brother. You know I wouldn’t say this unless it were serious. So please, stay here and wait for me and when Papa and I get back, we’re going to get your brother." Romy glares up at Sid before shaking her head and crossing her arms across her chest.  
“This is so not fair!" She grumbles before nodding. Sid breathes a sigh of relief and kisses the top of her head.  
“Thank you, Myshka." Sid says into her hair and he pulls her into a hug." I’ll see you soon, my little goon.’  
Standing up, Sid nods at Coach who shakes his head disbelievingly.  
“Let's go find this Ferryman so I can get to my husband.’  
***  
Act III  
The dock was dark, all colors dulled by a lack of natural light. The water churns with choppy small waves that gently rocked a small gondola. A single figure leaned against the post where the boat rests along the dock. Sid cannot help his incredulous look as he takes in the long brimmed hat adding to the shadowing of the figure’s face along with trench coat that alludes to nothing of their figure. It was like a character from one of Dmitri and Romy’s audiobook thrillers had come to life. There are no other figures to make out amongst the dock and Coach was slowing as he approached him, Sid had to assume the figure was the Ferryman.  
“What are you doing here, boy?" Sid bristled at the raspy voice. The figure remains motionless and Sid struggles to confirm that it was where the voice came from. Before Sid is able to speak, Coach snaps back.  
“We need to get to his Soulmate." The Ferryman grunted in a manner that expressed a lack of an answer." His Soulmate committed suicide and he wants to bring him back." Coach crosses his arms across his chest as he takes a half step in front of Sid planting himself firmly on the dock.  
The Ferryman doesn’t move nor do they make a sound for a handful of breaths. Sid wonders how many shifts he could have fit into the silence. He shifts his weight slowly between his legs, never having been good at staying completely still. The silence feels heavy, gaining weight as Sid notices the slow tapping of Coach’s index finger against his forearm. Sid remembered Coach to be a man of patience, the finger movement creating a tone of unease.  
A deep sigh starts as the Ferryman shifts the area of their shoulders. The movement is jerky as though they have not moved in an age. The figure tilts their head to the side, the glint off one eye that has trouble tracking initially; bouncing as it moves from Coach to Sid. The eye steadies as it rests on Sid. It appears to freeze, but Sid feels as though the eye can see through him. He can’t help the shiver that runs through him in response.  
“You think you can save a Suicide?" The voice rasps out in disbelief." Are you an idiot or fool hearted?" The eye jerks quickly as Sid shifts to steady himself. He reminds himself that he needs this figure in order to get to Zhenya. Without him, Sid is unsure how he can manage knowing that Zhenya is stuck in a painfully eternal loop." Ah, yes," the voice grouses." You think it’s different because you’re Soulmates." The word sounds twisted and flimsy as the Ferryman spits it out." True love is the only thing that could possibly bring a Suicide back. Their denial is so strong that bringing them awareness of the reality has never been done.’  
There’s a pause again. The eye becomes jumpy as it reads something on Sid before shifting back to Coach and returning to Sid." If you do this, you have to be ready for the realization that true love won’t be enough. This world does not work like you think. Their sickness is contagious. You cannot trust your senses. Your eyes will betray you, your nose will smell impossible scents, your ears will hear voices and phrases meant to entrap you. True love cannot help you there." The voice continues to rasp, a gravelly undertone warping the words and emphasizing the warning they are meant to be.  
Coach watches Sid warily from his grounded pose, his finger continuing to tap along his arm. The warning feels like a shoot out, like the goalie is taunting him, telling him he cannot make the goal. That Sidney Crosby is a has-been. It’s a challenge and not a threat.  
“You just get me there and I’ll decide what’s enough, eh?" The Ferryman shutters in a jerky fashion, the head swaying from side to side with a wheeze. Sid maintains a relatively flat affect as he catches Coach turn to look at him with a giant grin, pride beaming off of him.  
“You’ve been warned. You have to pay the toll though." Sid blinks quickly and tries to think of any valuable items he might be carrying with him. The only metal object he has is his wedding ring that is hanging from a chain next to his 87 charm. Toying with the idea of sacrificing his wedding ring is met with a clench in his stomach. It ends up being unnecessary. Coach reaches into the neck of his shirt, lifting a necklace that has a coin hanging freely.  
“This should be enough, Ferryman." Coach’s tone leaves no room for bargaining. The figure lifts an arm, the sleeve slipping to reveal a plump greyed hand with roughly trimmed nails. The palm turns upwards and the plump fingers clench down on the coin, quickly moving the toll into a pocket as the figure nods and jerks towards the gondola. Sid and Coach clamber in and take a seat on different benches.  
The figure pushes them off from the dock, an oar held tightly in their grasp. The singular eye tracking the water behind Sid and Coach." If you think true love is going to save you, then you have to do some more work." Sid nods because he has never shied away from hard work especially for his family." You need to create a signal for us to be able to track your husband. You have to focus on him and you cannot think of anybody else. Understood?" Sid nods and closes his eyes.  
***  
“Sid, is most important." Geno growled in frustration, his arms flinging out at his sides as he stares at Sid. They’re in their bedroom, the bed is made and they’re both in boxer briefs. Geno’s knee is in its brace and his cane is leant against the chair on his side of the room. Sid shakes his head as stares back at his husband.  
“I know he is. How could you even think I wouldn’t care about him?" He’s fighting to keep his voice level, it would be awful if their argument was overheard by the twins.  
“That not what look like. All you free time you being with Myshka or me or all of us together. You never make just Dimka-Daddy time. He so hurt and he not know how to fix it. He your son. My son too. But, Sid, he most you. The way he thinks and talk is you. Very little me. I see lots me in Romy, but Sid you most in him. It hurt him so much you two not close." He clutches the area in front of his chest and rests a knee on his side of the bed. His gaze lowers as he takes in the words.  
“But we have," Sid pauses and tries to think of the last time he spent time just him and Dmitri." He reads to me. He tells me all about what you guys do when I’m on a roadie." He sits heavily on his side of the bed, his hands falling to his lap with the palms up before turning his head to look up at Geno." How did I let this happen?" Sid’s words stick in his throat and he’s unsure how his distress looks on his face, but if it’s half as upsetting as the expression on his husband’s, Sid does not know how to move forward.  
“You love him then you show him. He just wants to be like his Daddy." Geno whispers soothingly as he sits next to Sid and pulls him into his arms. The next words are spoken through tears, because Sid is in love with an extremely emotional man and it makes him love him so much more." I’m knowing you love him, see all ways you do things before but it change now. Be captain with Penguins, but here be his Daddy." Sid chuckles as he wipes his face on the shoulder he’s leaning into.  
Sid could swear that Pittsburgh doesn’t have earthquakes and he’s extremely concerned when the ground and bed start to rock violently . He turns to grab Geno, but finds that he’s no longer in their room. Rather he is in a narrow boat. Coach is smacking at a flurry of hands that are reaching over the side and grabbing onto whatever they can grasp.  
“Don’t let them grab you, Crosby." The ferryman croaked as he smacked a nearby hand.  
“What are these?" Sid demanded as he dodged a pair of hands.  
“It’s the river Styx, Sid. These are the souls of the damned." Coach smacked at another hand. The boat jerks as more hands grab at the edges. Heads and shoulders rise from the water with mix of mournful and agonizing cries and pleas. Sid winces at the cacophony while he continues to bat away the searching hands. Soon the sounds of the Ferryman, Coach and Sid battling against the offending souls are drowned out by the cries for help and howls of pain.  
It becomes so loud that Sid is unable to hear the exact moment they become overwhelmed. He only knows that his balance feels off, stepping back to readjust his feet do not remain planted in the boat. For the briefest of seconds he’s airborne and the next he’s submerged. Hands ripping at his limbs, faces flashing before his own as the souls fight around him while pulling him further down. The rules from his own imagination do not work here. When Sid goes to take a breath he finds his lungs filled with an acrid taste he cannot expel with coughing.  
Flashes of his family cross his mind as he starts to scramble against the hold of the souls. A part of him screaming against the feeling of his limbs weakening as a small young voice whispers to him about what happens to souls trapped in the River Styx. Dmitri’s excited voice as he speaks rapidly about the facts he finds himself most absorbed in about Greek mythology and eagerly wanting to share with his parents.  
The sound of his son’s voice sounds distorted, as though he was not hearing it correctly. A flash of fear runs through Sid at the thought of forgetting the sound of his son’s voice. He pushes harder against the souls, willing himself to find the surface. He knows when he finds the surface he will be one step closer to his husband and reuniting his family. He will not let himself be stopped here.  
The minute his hand breaks the surface of the water he feels another hand clasp his own. This one pulls him forward and up. Sid pushes himself along the rising shore and collapses amongst the bodies of souls that have washed along the banks of the river. As Sid coughs, expelling water and wishing for the taste to leave his mouth, he scans the bodies. A relieved sound making its way out of his throat as his eyes land on the figure of Coach sitting a few steps away and breathing hard. The look in Coach’s eyes when Sid meets his stare is a mixture of fear and accomplishment.  
“Where are we?" Sid coughs as he pulls himself to his knees. He takes a moment to gather his breath before standing up.  
“The gates of Hell," Coach responds as he stands with his back to Sid. A few yards out, a cracked brick wall stretches along the horizon. Bright flames sporadically placed allow for shadows to stretch menacingly against the dark cavernous surroundings. The intimidating noises from the guards are enough to make one second guess approaching. " Doesn’t look like I imagined." Coach sounds disappointed as he glances at Sid from the corner of his eye.  
“Well it would make sense for G to be where a giant three-headed dog is." Sid’s laugh sounds forced. He scans the wall, looking for any sign of the infamous hellhound.  
“That’s the thing though, Cerberus should be here." Coach shrugs and starts walking forward." Maybe we have to pass them first to get to him. This is where your bond lead us afterall." Sid pauses a step behind Coach. He feels overwhelmed by a feeling of upset and danger. He knows to listen to his instincts and everything in him is screaming that this is not where he needs to be. Looking over his shoulder, shows him the Ferryman sitting in his gondola at the river bank calmly watching them, his fingers rolling Coach’s coin between his fingers.  
“He’s not here." Sid whispers.  
A sudden spike in the volume of war cries forces Sid’s attention to snap towards Coach who is fast approaching the gates and the feeling of wrongness increases dramatically. He feels his feet slap the ground as he propels himself forward. He reaches out and grab’s Coach’s hand.  
“You have to stop, he’s not there." Coach continues to move forward, pulling against Sid’s resistance." Please, he’s not there. This isn’t the right place." The urgency in Sid’s voice increases as he pulls harder. He digs his feet into the ground and yanks on Coach’s arm, spinning the man to face him. Sid pleads with him to understand, searching his eyes for recognition." Please, he’s not there. I know your Papa isn’t there, Dimka. This isn’t right.’  
Coach’s eyes shift as Sid stares at them. He recognizes the brown irises filling with tears. A soft sob echoes over the screams. Sid is unsure if it comes from him or the youth. Coach is no longer present, instead is his eleven year old son, his eyes filled with tears as he stares at Sid warily. Sid pulls him into an embrace, whispering" He isn’t here, Dimka" repeatedly into the skin in front of Dmitri’s ear.  
“Dad," Dmitri sobs as he clings to Sid. He buries his face into Sid’s neck and squeezes his arms tightly.  
“I know, bud. I know." Sid responds. He closes his eyes to savor the moment of hugging his son." I’m so sorry I didn’t know sooner.’  
“How did you know?" Dmitri’s voice is filled with tears as he questions Sid, slowly pulling back to look at his father’s face. He smiles wetly at Sid’s proud smile.  
Brushing his knuckle under Dmitri’s eyes to wipe away his tears, Sid shakes his head slowly." Nobody knows more about Greek mythology than my Dimka. If I ever was going to enact a Grecian Epic, there is nobody I’d rather have by my side than you." Dmitri laughs and rubs his eye with one hand, the other gripping the fabric of Sid’s sweater.  
Sid and Dmitri walk back towards the waiting boat. Dmitri grasps Sid’s hand tightly as they step around the beached souls. Sid watches the ferryman on the boat cautiously. The ferryman continues to slide the coin between the plump knuckles of one hand. The singular eye assesses them as they come to a stop at the water’s edge.  
“You proud of your kids?" The voice rasps. Squeezing his hand briefly Sid shakes his head.  
“That’s a ridiculous question and not the one you should be asking. Why are we here and not where my husband is?" Sid demands, his tone flat but warns of danger if pushed.  
“You weren’t thinking about your Soulmate, Crosby." The Ferryman shuffles back in the boat making room for them to board. " Your mind wandered and the signal got lost. That’s why those souls attacked us. They felt whatever lost signal you were sending out." Sid feels his own lips roll into a snarl to meet the condescending tone of the Ferryman.  
“You’re supposed to take me to Geno.’  
“And I will," the Ferryman states." If you can stay focused. But this time he cannot come with." The Ferryman gestures at Dmitri. Sid pulls his son into his side, the snarl on his face deep. " He’s a distraction. I hate going to the Suicides and refuse to take a child there. May be dead, but I have some morals." Sid feels Dmitri’s snort more than he hears it.  
“No, I’m not leaving him here alone." Sid states.  
“He knows how to get back to his sister. You can think your way out of here if you still have a mind of your own." The ferryman turns his back on Sid, placing his pole in a position to easily push off from the shore.  
Sid turns to look at Dmitri when he feels his son tug on his hand. Dmitri levels Sid with a serious look far beyond his eleven years." Dad, you have to go without me. I’ll be ok. Why do you think I would choose to be one of your coaches?" Sid’s brow furrows in confusion as he met with his son’s playful grin." You never question a coach. You would never have listened if I was anybody else. But, Dad, seriously. You go with him and you get Papa." Dmitri tightens his grip on Sid’s hand." Don’t listen to what the ferryman says. Do whatever you can bring Papa back to us. Romy and I will be waiting for you guys. You’ve made us wait so much already so bring him back to us, m’kay?" Sid stares intently at his son’s face, reading the seriousness on there. Sid jerks his head in a nod.  
Embracing each other for a moment, Sid presses a kiss to Dmitri’s forehead." Love you, Dimka. Go wait with your sister. She’s going to give you such a hard time." Dmitri laughs but nods and releases Sid. Sid pauses one moment longer, staring at his son, before he clambered into the boat. He turns and watches the ferryman push off from the river bank.  
“This time, actually think about your Soulmate." The Ferryman grouses as they keep pushing forward. The sounds of the souls in the river screaming as his pole smacks them away with ease.  
***  
Sid ushered the kids into the darkened den. Romy crawled onto Geno’s lap to place her head on her Papa’s chest wordlessly. Dmitri curled into Geno’s left side, his sketchbook clutched to his chest. Dmitri nuzzled his face into his Papa’s side as Geno moved an arm to wrap around their boy, his fingers idly rubbing against Romy’s ankle. Sid dragged a large Penguins throw blanket over their laps and settles into his husband’s right side on his knees. Sid’s fingers brushing thru the thinning hair at Geno’s temple.  
“I know you’re hurting, Zhenya." Sid presses a kiss to the spot in front of his ear." And it's not the same, but we’re here for you; I’m never going to leave you." Sid slides a hand over Geno’s heart as he turns to stare at the Russian film playing. Geno reaches over Sid’s shoulder to cover the hand over his heart and looks at Sid with a pained expression.  
" ‘M know, Zolotse." Sid inhales sharply as Geno squeezes his fingers gently. His voice is raspy from disuse and tears. Sid can feel his own eyes water at the pain in his droopy eyes." Have you most important. Help most right now. You and the twins." Geno takes a moment to smile weakly at the kids who are staring raptly at their papa before returning to meet Sid’s gaze. His eyes are still filled with pain, but there’s a determination behind them and a deep love that shifts a little of the stress from Sid’s shoulders. "You my most treasure, Zolotse. Always knew love you mean I’m lose Russia and home maybe, but you my treasure. My Sid. Zolotse, I’m do again and again if mean I’m always having you.’  
Sid sniffles as tears well in his eyes, there are tears already slipping down Geno’s cheeks, but they both let them fall uninterrupted." Why you think I calling you Zolotse for always?" The smile Geno pulls is a far cry from his usual jovial grin, but Sid can see it.  
“Dunno, G. Figured it was a Russian word for glorious," Sid glanced briefly at the kids before looking back at Geno to waggle his eyebrows. Geno snorted softly before kissing the apple of Sid’s cheek.  
“No, Zolotse. Russian name for that is Zhenya. You say perfectly good." Sid laughs loudly at the unexpected chirp. He’s momentarily taken off guard by so much interaction from his husband who had been so quiet for the past couple days. " Zolotse, mean treasure. Mean my gold. You like my Cup. But I’m keep for always." Sid sobs softly as Geno cradles his head in one hand and moves Sid’s face to rest against his neck. Geno buries his nose into Sid’s hair and presses a few kisses wherever his lips can reach.  
***  
The boat ride is quiet without Dmitri to ramble. Sid stares at the coin that the Ferryman continues to toy with. He focuses on the shape of his husband, the feel of his laughter against Sid’s body. He thinks of fiery anger, of cellies on the ice, of chirping each other on the ice. He focuses on the essence of his husband and not the sorrowful sounds of souls that fill the river. The travel feels like it takes hours, but eventually the boat slows as it slides onto another shore.  
“Before we go there, you need to know a few things." The Ferryman rasps out. His glinting eye steadies on Sid. "This is the island of Suicides. They’re here because they’re in denial and their denial is contagious. You cannot trust your senses here. You will hear things and see things that seem right but are not. They’re lures to entrap you. If you find your Soulmate you must remember your love will not overcome his denial. Most importantly, I am still susceptible to the poison of this island and will leave you to protect myself if necessary.”  
Inhaling deeply, Sid nods. He turns and looks at the beach. It is littered with thousands of faces resting in the sand. Eyes shut as the faces point upwards. He inhales once more, centering himself as he does before a shift. Pushing himself over the side of the boat, the first step he takes is on the face of a woman who releases a horrified shriek.  
As the shriek fades, the other faces awaken. The air fills with questions and outcries, Sid steadies himself and pushes forward, doing his best to avoid stepping on more faces. He cannot stop whispering apologies as he feels the faces beneath his feet. As he nears the halfway point, a face he steps on cries out to him, the voice one that would be hard for Sid to forget.  
“Son? Is that you? Oh you’ve come for me." Sid looks down in horror at the idea that his father is on the island. When he looks down, he cannot help the sigh of relief. The face looks nothing like his father. When the face does not recognize Sid, it whimpers sadly asking," why hasn’t my son come yet? They never come.”  
Sid shifts to step off of the face, only to feel his other foot sink into the sand. As he moves to pull his foot from the hold, he hears his name gasped out. He glances down towards the voice but is unable to locate it as he feels the ground beneath him give way.  
Sid lands on a cliffside of rubble. In front of him is a slope where a building had stood prior to imploding. Pieces of metal, cement and glass are scattered all around Sid adding to the macabre landscape. The Ferryman is standing beside Sid, his gaze focused on the crater in front of them. Sid gets to his feet and cautiously makes his way to the edge of the crater. He can make out pieces of the building that had previously stood there. He estimates that it’s a half mile to the bottom but he’s unsure with the amount of debris that blocks his view.  
There’s a twinge in his chest as he notices a brick shape in the crater. It’s an intact mansion that looks identical to their home in Pittsburgh. Sid throws himself over the edge, sliding from piles of debris to large pieces of debris, making his way down to the bottom slowly. As he stops at the various pieces of debris, he looks back to check that the Ferryman was still following him. For all the stuttered movements they had made previously, the Ferryman moved with agility behind Sid.  
When they reached the bottom of the pit, Sid stared at his home. It was dark and seemed to be empty as if the house itself was depressed about the state of the family that had once lived within its walls. Sid starts to walk closer to the building, stopping outside the door when a hand lands on his shoulder.  
“Remember their denial runs deep. You have three minutes. Once his denial becomes your reality there is no way for you to come back from it." Sid jerks his head in a stiff but understanding nod.  
He pushes the door and it swings open.  
As he steps inside the house, he notices the darkness that fills the house stealing all color that is not dull. Photos and paintings on the wall are tattered and burnt. Cobwebs hang from the walls where shredded curtains do not. He starts to make his way towards the den.  
“Hello?" He calls out, trying to be mindful to his time limit. He startles as he sees a slumped form sitting on the couch in the main den. Sid gasps as the form turns to stare at him.  
Geno meets his eyes with a haunted expression on his face. His eyes droop lower than Sid has ever seen, his frown so deep that he looks a decade older than his 36 years. Shoulders that are typically broad and speak of confidence unspoken, are rounded inwards and closer to his ears.  
“Oh, hello." Geno blinks rapidly. “Not hear you come in. Not see you before. I’m Geno, you?" Geno’s tone is slow and hallow. Sid moves towards the couch, watching Geno for any signs of recognition or disagreement with his approach.  
“Hi, I’m Sidney." There’s a sinking feeling in his stomach when Geno’s expression tightens in pain for a microsecond before returning to its drawn expression. Sid’s hand aches to brush the frown from his face and kiss a smile back into his eyes. He understands the denial must be strong enough that Geno cannot recognize him. “I just moved into the house next door. I wanted to come say hello to my neighbors." He smiles friendly as he watches Geno watch him halfheartedly.  
“Oh, I’m not know we have new neighbors. Who leave?" Geno glances in the direction of the door, his fingers flexing against the Penguin throw he has wrapped around his shoulders. Sid stared for a moment as he tried to rationalize that he was spending his precious few minutes discussing a lie. A part of him struggled to understand how this conversation was really taking place.  
“The Brassards." You know, he got traded to a new team and the family decided to go elsewhere." Geno made a noncommittal noise. His gaze had drifted to the surrounding walls as he shifted and absent-mindedly rubbed at his trick knee.  
“Neighborhood nice place. Raise my children here. Husband and me live here so long. Always good place." He scrunched his face as he started at something nearby as though trying to sort a quick problem. "You say you’re name Sidney?" Sid holds his breath as he nods, trying to tamper down his hope. Geno nods as he focuses his gaze on Sid’s never quite fully making eye contact." Is good name. My husband’s name." Sid bites the inside of his cheek, the conversation feeling too surreal and uncomfortable.  
“Oh, yeah? Where’s he at?" Geno’s eyes well with tears that do not fall as he looks at his hands he squeezes together on his lap. The frown deepens on Geno’s face.  
“He dead." Geno’s inhale is shaky." Same with our children." Geno forces himself to his feet walking towards the kitchen with a dramatic limp as though the cold had settled deeply into his joints. Sid follows him, leaning in the doorway with his hands buried in his pockets as he tries to reconcile feeling like an unwanted guest in his own home with the man he has loved for nearly half his life." Is weird, they die and the house just fall apart. Is like not work without them." Geno blinks as he fiddles with the faucet and tsks at the lack of water that comes from the rattling pipes.  
“Want some water? Blanket or sweater? I try fix heater but like I’m say: nothing want work since they die." Geno sighs." Is not like I see problem with that. Not sure how supposed to work without them either." Sid clenches his fists in his pockets, urging himself against moving across the room to embrace Geno. Instead Sid decided he needed to act on his few remaining minutes.  
“You’re Evgeni Malkin, right?" Geno looked directly at Sid. His eyes connecting but still feeling as though Sid was being looked through rather than at but nods." The Brassards told me a lot about you." Geno’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.  
“What they say about me? You fan?" Sid shook his head.  
“Not a big hockey kind of guy. Heard you were amazing and were always in Crosby’s shadow. That you gave up basically everything for him and your kids. That you love them more than anything in the world and have a large caring heart." Sid looked around quickly, noticing the dying herb garden on the sill. It was a project Romy had begged Geno to help with so they would work on cooking together." You were also very proud of the way your daughter could cook. Almost like she got it from your mother." Geno winced and looks at the twigs sticking up from the window garden.  
“Yes, Myshka best cook in family. Make great recipes. Dimka make amazing dessert, but herbs were Myshka. They stop growing because water pressure gone." Geno stared around the room, his voice becoming a bit more pressured." Also missing many things here. Like somebody come take my clothes. Can’t find Zolotse’s hoodie I love. Favorite pictures missing too. Can’t find Cups. Can’t find wedding ring. Sid’s necklace gone too." Geno reaches up to the collar of his shirt that’s empty of any chains." Wore it all the time when he die." Geno flinched and pulled back from the counter staring at Sid with a haunted look before sinking to his knees. Sid turns and runs from the house.  
The Ferryman is standing outside staring at Sid with a look of relief from their one eye." Cutting it close, Crosby. I’m sorry your love wasn’t enough. Giving up is the best option for survival." The Ferryman rasps as he steps aside for Sid to make his way onto the boat. Sid shakes his head and squares his shoulders.  
“You’re right." Sid stares unflinchingly into the solitary eye." I’m giving up, but not the way you think. Please tell my children that I love them with every inch of my being but I’m not giving up on their Papa." The Ferryman’s body rattles in shock as Sid turns on his heel and sprints back into the house.  
As he rounds the island in the middle of the kitchen, Sid finds Geno sitting against the fridge with his knees drawn to his chest, his head tilted to the left so his temple pressed against his knees while his eyes focus on something on the wall. Sid crouches over Geno’s right shoulder, stopping from touching him. He takes a slow breath before speaking.  
“I’m sorry, Zhenya. I have some things I need to say and only have a few moments left. I’m sorry for all the things I’ll never give you-like the private beach retirement, that was a big one. I’ll never make you smile. I just wanted us to grow old together. To see our numbers hanging from the rafters as we made our way onto the ice more metal and replaced bone than when we first met. Together in the end. I never got to win a cup for you after you and the twins. I wanted to fight with you over who got to walk Myshka down the aisle, to have Dimka surprise us with our first grandchild." Sid swallows hard as he continues, trying to scan Geno’s body language for any recognition. " There are lots of things to miss: pictures, family, laughs, kisses, fights." Sid chuckles briefly. “We had some great fights and some epic apologies.”  
Leaning his head against the counter, Sid inhales slowly. He can feel a darkness on the edge of his mind, his limbs feeling heavier. His breathing becomes more shallow." Thank you for every kindness. For our children. For your courage. For your support. How you’ve always been somebody who I was proud to love. How you would find a way to make me want to kiss you mid game. Thank you for all the laughs. Thank you for loving me as much as I love you. You were my life." A sob pulls itself from Sid’s chest. Geno has stopped any subtle movements becoming eerily statuesque.  
“I apologize for every time I failed you. In so many ways you deserved so much more than what we got and I know you are here because you cannot forgive yourself." Sid pushes himself to slip to his knees, angling himself in front of Geno. He reaches out, placing a hand on Geno’s. Geno looks up at Sid with tears streaming down his face.  
“You’re not my Zolotse." Geno whimpers. His face is chest heaves as he stares at Sid, his fingers pulling slowly away from Sid’s grasp." Sid have no reason to apologize. I failed him. I’m not good enough husband to protect him and our children. My Sid." Geno’s breath stutters as he breathes through another sob. Sid nods pitifully, holding Geno’s gaze and knowing that Geno does not recognize him.  
Sid smiles wetly before placing his hand over Geno’s heart. His limbs feel like cement. He’s sure the only time he felt this exhausted was in the final minutes of third overtime in the eastern conference final Geno’s last season.  
“Good people go to hell because they cannot forgive themselves." Sid fought for another breath as he started into Geno’s eyes." I will never be able to forgive myself for failing you, but I can forgive you.’  
“For killing my husband and our children?" Tears have welled up in Geno’s eyes as he holds Sid’s gaze.  
“No, for being so wonderful, a man would choose hell over heaven to be with you." Sid exhaled slowly. His throat felt tight, a dull ache sat behind his eyes and he struggled to keep his eyes open. As he let his eyelids close he felt the darkness pull him down. His reality was slipping. It was hard to understand where he was and what had brought him to that moment.  
He smiled slowly that each sense was focused on Geno. He felt a warm pressure on his chest and heard Geno saying his name as he slid down from consciousness. In that last moment he felt grateful that his last moment of reality was his husband’s voice.

It was dark again. His head ached in a familiar way that caused his heart to race and his stomach to plummet. He had just gotten back after a year of being gone. He had not enough games before he woke up feeling like it was the first few months all over again. The dark room didn't help him track the passage of time. He knew games had passed and Geno would bring the kids in for family naps as part of their pregame ritual. His heart ached as he slowly turned over on the bed.  
His head felt wrong, his neck sore and a bright pain behind his eyes. The pain he was used to as sad as that thought was. The worst feeling was being alone.  
The Penguins had a road trip and Geno was in the East and Sid was useless. All he could do was stay hidden in the dark room. The black out curtains drawn, a quiet fan blowing in the corner still too much noise for him but not enough ambient noise to cover up how empty the house was.  
He was so useless that the twins couldn't be left alone with him. He had to sleep more than their 17 month old energy levels could keep up with. Their louder noises were like spikes through his head and a reminder that he was failing as a father. He had read the articles hypothesizing that Sid was on maternity leave-maternity because the jokes about being a woman were supposed to devalue his worth as a player. He was more of an absentee father while Geno was running around balancing the babies, the team, and somehow taking care of Sid. He hated being such a burden and wanted nothing more than to help be part of the team. But every time he tried to have that discussion Geno would shut him down. Say right away that he was being stupid.  
Sid saw the tightness around Geno's eyes, the frown that was constantly on his face. What he felt most was the space between them at night. Geno was terrified to touch him further than cradling Sid's hands to his chest or lips no matter how much Sid pleaded.  
Flower came by often to check on their family and see how his friend was managing. Sid hated the forced smile on his friend's face. It was the visit before the road trip where Sid had accidentally heard Geno confide that he missed Sid. But he was terrified of hurting him because the concussion like symptoms came back the first night they had sex in ages. Sid knew something was wrong when there were no jokes made about Geno's sexual prowess. Flower never left an opening like that without a response. He wasn't even able to make his husband comfortable in their home.  
His world was darkness and pain. He doubted his ability to ever return to the ice and play the sport he had dedicated his life to. His husband was afraid to be near him because he thought he was to blame for Sid's body turning against him. The worst part was he couldn't even be present and a real parent to their children.  
He squeezed his eyes shut tighter knowing where the thought spiral was heading. He couldn't help it and knew it was bound to happen when he was alone in his head. He knew the different ways his mind had identified to help do the one thing to stop him from being a burden to his family, friends, and team.  
He breathed slowly in through his nose before exhaling through his mouth. He slowly rolled over to pull Geno's pillow to his face. He repeated the deep breaths taking in the grounding smell of his husband.  
The spiral continued to point out the ways in which he was useless. Poking at his inability to even ground himself and face his reality.  
His heart raced faster.

His mind spiraled deeper.

His eyes scrunched tighter.

Tears soaked into the pillow.

He gasped into the pillow harder.

He inhaled in quicker shorter bursts.

He was useless and was only hurting his family and friends. He squeezed the pillow edges over his ears, begging to block out the noise of the spiral.  
He felt a hand cover his as a body pressed along the length of his back. Warm breath flowed over his ear and onto his neck and shoulder. The scent of the pillow grew stronger as an arm slid beneath his head to pillow him on their bicep. He could feel slow deep breaths of the chest pressed against his.  
The spiral kept spinning faster and deeper. Sid strained to focus on the chest behind him and try to understand the whir of words against his skin.  
“Breathe, Sid."  
His chest hurts as he gasps for air. He doesn't want to lose his family. He doesn't want to burden his husband with caring for their children without him. He doesn't want his husband to feel he has to care for him as a third child. He misses his friends. He's missing out on so much of his kids growing up. The darkness is all he knows and it keeps pulling him back no matter how much he fights it.  
He doesn't know how much longer he can fight it. And that's scarier than any direction The spiral leads his thoughts.  
“Zolotse." Sid releases a high whine at Geno's pet name for him. He feels arms tighten around his center. The mouth against his ear is speaking slowly in Russian, his name landing on his skin every so many words with a press of lips to his neck.  
“Zolotse, open your eyes.’" Sid feels a pressure over his heart that is warm and large. His heart aches at the familiarity and he closes his eyes more firmly to stop the pain of the spiral. The voice continues to brush words against his skin as the arms hold him tighter, hand pressing more firmly into his chest.  
The darkness doesn't feel as thick as the voice and touch persist. He can feel the body connected to the arms, feel the chest against his back. Over exaggerated deep breaths move the chest against his back. The mouth against his neck twitches as it pauses like it can sense a change in Sid.  
The Russian stops as Sid feels the darkness retreat. He slowly brings his hands up to the arms wrapped around him. He traces the muscles and veins of the arm up the arm wrapped around waist to the hand resting on his hip. One finger traces across the veins on the back of the hand, over knuckles and stops at the cool metal at the base of the fourth finger. Inhaling sharply, he slips his hand over the hand and squeezes.  
His mind quickly fills in that he had just been in Hell ready to stay with Geno in whatever capacity he could because Geno's denial was too deep to reach him after his suicide. He's unsure why he was so sure he was trapped back in the days of his concussion but he can only imagine that was his own personal Hell.  
Taking a deep breath, Sid leans against the chest fully. He can feel the lips against his neck press a kiss to him before resting in a smile.  
“Hi, Sid," the voice rumbles against his neck. Goosebumps rise all over him at the voice. His free hand reaches up to bury his fingers in the hair attached to the head leaning on him. At the satisfied purr let out as his fingers brush the scalp, Sid finally opens his eyes.  
He's standing on the island in his Heaven. He can see the statues at the end of the walkway before the lake opens up to the base of the mountains and snow. He can see figures moving by the statue but does not try to make sense of them as he remembers he is being held. He tilts his head away from the face buried in his neck and smiles at relief on his husband's face.  
“How?" Sid questions after a pause. Geno pulls back and spins Sid so they're chest to chest. He cradles Sid's face in his hands and presses a flurry of kisses on his cheeks and nose.  
“Best." Geno stares as he brushes a final kiss against Sid's lips and rests his forehead against Sid's." Most brave and beautiful husband. So stubborn." Geno's eyes water as he stared intently at Sid." Go to Hell for me when everybody tell him not possible to save. And you do." He slips his arms around Sid's waist as Sid slips his own around Geno's waist.  
“It worked?" Geno's grin lifts the corners of his eyes as he nods while refusing to move his head from where they're connected.  
“So stupid, but best love. Best husband." Geno's eyes slide shut and he presses a quick kiss to Sid's nose. " Miss you so much. Thought I'm crazy for first 6 months after you die. Keep seeing you out of my eye corner. Swear you with me so many times and it hurt so much because swear I'm crazy for miss you so much. Then it stop and that so much worse. You nowhere and that so much worse. Stop seeing you, visit with Taylor so bad because you look so much alike. All I want is my family and Mama and Papa they never able to talk unless they want be in danger and I'm refuse to do that and then I write note for Taylor. Feel so bad and it stopped but it not stop. Then you come and I only know you saying you're love me forever and I not realize fast enough because I losing you again. Zolotse, so hard to see you like that. More pain than I want ever. You most stubborn and stupid. I kept wanting to take you home. Save you from whatever you doing in your head. Not want you hurt like I hurt for last year." Geno shakes his head slowly letting out a slow breath. Sid left a hand to cradle Geno's cheek and he cannot help the grin as Geno nuzzles into it.  
“Open eyes and we here and you just keep whimpering and crying and I'm not know what to do. The kids they see me with you and I tell them no not see you like this and sent them play with Mario and Seryozha. And I wait and be here with you like you wait with me always. We do anything when we together." When Geno finally opens his eyes to look into Sid's they're both crying silently.  
“Love you, Zolotse. Not say enough before. Never able to say enough. Love you most." Sid presses his lips to Geno's and sighs as the kiss slowly builds to a low fire, movements familiar and we'll practiced over time. It feels as easy as it did when he was 19 and stupidly kissing Geno as they waited for a cab after celebrating their first win together.  
“Papa!'  
“Dad!'  
Sid feels the impact of their children throwing themselves around their embrace. He can hear them sniffling as they bury their faces into whoever they can reach. There are a lot of mumbled words being spoken rapidly into his side. Sam is making low happy noises as she circles the family.  
“Hey there, guys." Sid sighs as he feels Geno press a kiss to his temple with a low chuckle. Geno pulls back to slide down to his knees and pulls both kids into his embrace. Sid places a hand on the back of Geno's neck and let's his family have their small reunion.  
“Papa, wait." Dmitri looked up from where he had his arms wrapped around Geno's neck. Tears shone on his cheeks as he smiled up at Sid. Sid smiled fondly at his son. He took a moment to look at the face of each of his family before he leaned in to kiss each of their cheeks. Romy wrapped an arm around his neck , keeping her other hand clinging to the material of Geno’s sweater. Sid took a moment to realize the ill-fitting Penguins sweater bore a 87 on the front. He smirked as he leaned forward to kiss Geno’s cheek again.  
After a few moments, Sid and Geno pulled their family into a standing position, still wrapped up in one another’s embrace. Geno stared in awe at their surroundings." Is this?’  
“Yeah, babe, it's exactly as we thought it up to be." Geno chuckled in amazement. His hand tightened its hold on Sid’s hip. Sid turned so he could press his chest to Geno’s, resting his head on his husband’s shoulder. Part of him mindful of Romy pressed into his side and Dmitri pressed into Geno’s. He had his family reunited.  
‘What next, Zolotse?" Geno whispers into Sid’s hair." We so young. You willing to join me in Hell so we grow old. So how we grow old here?" Sid hummed thoughtfully.  
“We could go back and do it again." Sid brushes his fingers through the hair at Geno's temple." Do it better, maybe less dramatic?" Geno scoffs.  
“I not drama maker." Sid laughs at the overdramatic look Geno makes half heartedly. After a pause Geno joins him in laughing, tightening his embrace around Sid, lowering his lips to brush a kiss to Sid's forehead." Do again sound nice. What about kids?'  
“Well the team always joked about us having a hockey team worth of kids. We have 21 spots left to fill." Geno stares worriedly at his husband. Laughing softly, Sid adds," no babe. Time moves differently here. We can go and come back and then be a family again. Who knows they could even join us down there." Sid glances down at the tops of their kids" heads.  
“How we find each other tho. World big and maybe no hockey to connect us. But not sure how world work if you not have hockey." Sid laughs curtly.  
“Says the man who ran away from Russia to play in the NHL." Geno grins cheekily, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to Sid's lips. His fingers pressing a bit harder where they rest on Sid's side. One hand drifts up to cover Sid's heart.  
“I come to you no matter how, Zolotse. You have my heart no matter who we are. Even if you lose best ass."  
“Well good, because I found you in Hell. So I'm pretty sure I can find you anywhere and in any form." Geno nods briefly before a serious expression crosses his face.  
"My turn to find you in Hell. Prove my love best." Sid slaps his hand over his husband’ chest.  
“Not everything's a competition, Zhenya." They glare at each other momentarily before laughing at their ridiculous antics.  
“We grow old together this time, yea, Zolotse?" The content smile that crosses Sid's face matches Geno's.  
“So you're going back." Dmitri states as he rests his cheek on Geno's side and looks up at his parents.

Sid and Geno share a knowing look."Soon," Geno lifts Romy into his arms and runs his hand thru Dmitri's hair." Now want spend time with my family.'  
***

Act IV

At 6 he was already having people whisper about his skill on the ice. He wasn’t sure what to make of it all, but he really enjoyed hockey. There was something about being on the ice that made him feel happy.  
He stood on the ice watching the boys play a makeshift game at the opposite goal. His goal was worn from use at a community park. People fancying themselves a real sniper, when they were more likely to get a post than a goal. The posts were important; as any aspiring goalie would know.  
There was a noise to his left as a new boy took to the ice. He was doing a solo drill and all the young goalie could do was stare in awe. The boy wasn't much older than himself, but he had a confidence with the puck that seemed older than himself.  
The boy turned quickly and shot the puck at the goal, his eyes looking at the ice rather than the puck. The young goalie reached out, easily catching the puck before it bounced on the posts.  
After a moment the skater boy looked up, surprise at the sight of the goalie holding his puck with a smile. The goalie propelled himself quickly towards the boy and held out the puck silently. The boy looked from the puck to the goalie's face and paused.  
Something shifted in the young goalie's mind. He released a noise of surprise as the eyes staring back at him shifted in recognition.  
There was no warning before he was pulled into a hug and both boys burst into laughter.

_When I was young I saw a boy who played beautiful hockey. I thought it was just the hockey I loved, but it took no time to realize it and he was so much more._

**Author's Note:**

> Zolotse-My treasure/gold 
> 
> Thank you for reading my first foray into RPF and hockey fic. Hope you enjoyed your nice helping of angst. 
> 
> As an AU of What Dreams May Come there are some lines that are similar if not identical to the movie.
> 
> Thank you to my lovely beta who listened to how much I was going to hurt Sid and Geno in this and was still willing to read thru it.


End file.
